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Title: Junk.
Pairing/people: implied Noelian, one sided Mave
Author: me!
Rating: pg 13 for swears and rape jokes.
Summary: McDonalds, 3 a.m and a confession
Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh, I never will, but I am in a band, so maybe will one day be on the boosh, and when that day happens, I’m gonna steal the rights to it while the boys aren’t looking then make them touch each other
Warning: RPS McDonald food.

This is so clearly an excuse to write more Noel-Mike Brother banter. Ugh, I’m feverish with it, it’s so much fun to write.

Not sure if this is a one shot or the beginning of something wonderful…

Also, look at that title. I could do lots with that.

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“Dave?”

“Yeah Dave.”

“But… Dave?”

“Fucks sake, Noel, yes, Dave.”

Noel looked at his little brother unbelievingly, Mike was picking at the print on his t shirt, avoiding Noels eye. He had just admitted to perhaps maybe fancying Noel’s friend Dave a bit in the middle of McDonalds and Noel sat with a fry half way to his mouth, Mike watched as the ketchup on the end of the fry dripped off and landed on the table top.

“Are you sure Mike, cause this could just be like that time you thought you fancied Dee and got all upset and then once you told me you didn’t fancy her anymore-”

“It’s not that.”

“How can you be sure?” Noel eventually ate his chip and sat back with his arms crossed, peering at Mike. That had been fucking awful, he’d thought about breaking up with Dee for a week, he hated seeing Mike upset.

“Because that was misplaced jealousy, remember? Julian worked it all out, psychoanalyzing me? You’d been seeing Dee more, I didn’t like it, bla bla bla?”

“Yeah Yeah I get you, but this is just mental. When did you start liking boys?”

“Not boys, a boy.” Mike argued, reminding himself of a Blackadder episode. Only he didn’t think Dave was going to turn into a girl called Kate.

“Ugh no. How many times Mike; do what I say not what I do!”

“Yeah I bloody chose to be like you, I thought to myself ‘out of everyone in the whole world, I think I’ll use Noel as an idol, hopefully I’ll get the aids before I’m thirty.’”

“Oi!” Noel laughed, “Shut it. You shouldn’t eat that,” He nodded towards Mike’s burger, “bet them animals died in really horrific ways.”

“Don’t care. Neither did you, stop hanging out with Russell Brand, you’ll be doin’ Yoga next.”

“Fuck off!”

They shared cheeky grins before Noel remembered what they’d been talking about.

“But like…Dave?”

“I like him. He’s nice to me.”

“So is mum.”

“Shut up. This is awkward, don’t make it worse. I just thought I should talk to you seeing as you’re meant to LOVE me and help me out.”

“…I don’t love you that much. Aw Mike why do you always have to be so difficult!”

“What?”

“There’s probably loads of people who want you! You have to pick Dave.”

“I know”

“Who by the way, is MY mate, and straight, AND is seeing a girl.”

“Yeah I know.”

Mike sounds so sad and small Noel stops trying to act smart for a minute and leans forward in his chair, “You want me to say something?”

“Noel!”

“What?”

“I’m not twelve.” Mike sighs, pokes at his burger with a fry. He wants to open up the bun and peel out the slice of gherkin he knows lurks inside, but he also knows his brother, and how quick Noel would be out of there if he saw even a glimpse of green. They both hated them yes, but Noel couldn’t even look at gherkins.

“I know. But I could scout about, pull some shapes, see what he thinks of the idea?”

“There’s no point. You’ll make things all funny.” Mike gets a knot in his stomach at the thought of Dave finding out that he like’s him, it twists and turns and he’s not very hungry anymore, but that’s ok, because Noel has already started on his fries now that his own are finished.

“I won’t, I can be very inconspicuous when I want to.”

“You are about as inconspicuous as an elephant on a tube with a back pack, muttering to another elephant about becoming a hero-”

“Yes alright, Mikey, just you calm down, eh?” Noel grinned, ripping open a curry sauce.

They make an odd sight, him and Mike, sitting in a McDonalds at three in the morning, Noel wearing a purple glittery ensemble and high platform boots, Mike was wearing a grunge looking t shirt that Noel had already unsuccessfully tried to bin this week and baggy blue jeans, he was sitting cross legged on the table top but no one was around to tell him to get up, just some drunks in the corner, Mike focused on them for a minute.

“Those guys over there are talking about you.”

“They are? Balls. Good or bad?”

“Huh?”

“Like, is it “I’d tap that, crikey.” Or “Look at that great Electro poof, lets beat him up and secretly tap that.”

Mike laughed into his Milkshake as he took a drink, “I dunno, probably the second one, they look a bit outraged. Will I text the men folk or do you recon we can take them?”

“How many?”

“Four.”

“Men folk.” Noel grinned, even though his words made him sound worried about the drunks as soon as he knew he was being watched he started to preen. Mike got out his mobile phone, pretended to take a picture of Noel when really it was the guys (photo reference for Julian) he sent the picture to Julian with the simple message “Robin in trouble, hurry up Batman. J ”

“Do you think he’ll still be awake.”

“He’d stay awake till I got in.” Noel said absentmindedly, “I really need to pee and I cant cause they’ll follow me up stairs.”

“I’m not chumming you to piss.”

“Come on Mike, I could die.”

“Don’t care. Hold it in.”

Noel tutted, “You are not going the right way about me NOT telling Dave you fancy him.”

“You can’t use that against me! That is unbelievably unfair!” Mike glared at Noel, who only smirked back at him, “Plus what good am I? remember that last fight I got in? That guy just looked at me and took my glasses off of me and I was fucked.”

Noel started laughing loudly bringing a little more attention that was necessary to them, “That was fucking excellent!”

“Fuck you.”

“I wanted to shake the guys hand, how quick was he? Genius!”

“Noel shut the fuck up.”

“I mean with most people they’d do the usual hand-on-the-head move you know, pointing out very unoriginally that you’re about three foot-”

“-I’ll tell mum.”

“-But that guy. Wow, what a working class hero.” Noel was snickering, Mike tried not to smile but it was too hard, Noels laugh was infectious.

“It was the fact he put them safely back into my pocket afterwards that I liked best.”

The memory of it was too much for Noel and he positively squealed with laughter, clutching his sides, Mike laughed too but threw a fry at him so he knew he wasn’t really that amused.

“uh oh, your fans are on the move,” Mike’s eyes widened a little and he quickly looked at his trainers, Noel busied himself with reading the nutrition guide. But it was to no avail, they watched a shadow cast over the table.

“Oi you!” One of the men started, Mike saw three possibilities, One; Grab the tray, hit the biggest one with the tray, then using the tray as a sort of shield run for it. Two; Abandon Noel, hope that his glitter distracts them long enough so that he can call Julian and tell him to hurry up, but he couldn’t possibly do that one and the third… Well the third was confrontation.

After all he had contact lenses in today.

“Oi What?” Mike looked up challenging, he snuck a hand into his pocket, his mind going ‘Zippo Lighter, align your knuckles.’

“Are you two from “The Mighty Boosh?”

Not what they’d been expecting.

“Em, yeah.” Noel replied nervously.

“My girlfriend loves you,” The Man flipped his mobile phone out, “If I call her will you say hi?”

“Eh… Sure.”

Mike and Noel swapped relieved looks as the Drunk called up his girlfriend who didn’t seem very impressed at being woken up so late, he put her on loud speak, Mike and Noel took the phone.

“Alright?” They called out together, recognising their voices she seemed to waken up a bit.

“Oh my God oh my God! Is that really you?!?!”

“Yeah,” Mike grinned, “Think so.”

“Where are you guys?”

“Getting junk food-”Noel began, the Man waved at them franticly, shaking his head, Noel coughed, “Yeah, just met your boyfriend on the street.”

“Oh right, is he drunk?”

Mike and Noel grinned at each other, “No he’s fine, yeah, tell you the truth love I think we’re in worse nick, MIKE GET OFF OF THAT WALL! Sorry, little brothers eh?”

Mike covered his mouth quickly to cover his laugh, Noel covered the bottom of the phone.

“Oh, wow, well, I better let you go look after him, Thanks for talking to me…”

“No probz Darlin’ Keep watching the show!”

“I will do, Oh, go tell that tosser that if he wants his tea he’ll find it in the wheelie bin, Night night”

Mike, Noel and the Drunk man’s mates laughed as the phone was hung up, the Drunk man snatched it back and frowned at it, Noel moved up the bench.

“Look Sit here, take a picture for her.”

Mike and Noel waved them off smiling, well, that hadn’t been too bad.

“I keep forgetting guys staring at me might mean they recognise me now and not that they want to perform some GBH.” Noel was peering just past Mike to the car park outside, “Cavalry’s arrived. Hey Mike your boyfriend came along too.”

“Shut it!” Mike growled, he stopped himself from turning round to look, and waited for them to get into the restaurant.

“Alright, where were you? Fat lot of use you guys are, me and Mike just got bummed.” Noel grinned as he swung his arms around Julian’s neck, “McFlurry might make up for it though?”

“You didn’t tell us which McDonalds you were going to, we’ve been to two other stores.” Dave shook his head, perching on the table next to Mike, he looked at the younger man concerned, “You alright?”

“Eh…”

Julian scoffed, “Noel says he’ll forgive us for getting him raped if I buy him ice cream, how do you think they are? What happened?”

“Just wanted us to say hi to his girlfriend.” Mike mumbled, going shy with Dave’s eyes on him, Noel grinned wickedly at him, Mike grew worried, and bit his lip, Noel softened at this and looked back at Julian.

“I want a crunchie one and Mike wants an apple pie and I DEMAND it now!”

“You are a spoiled brat Noel Fielding.”

“Yes but I’m your spoiled brat.”

Dave made reaching sounds and Mike laughed hopping off of the table.

“Those two are well sick.” Dave threw his arm over Mike’s shoulder, Mike leaned in a little, if Dave had looked down at that precise moment He would have seen Mikes eyes being to shine, as it was, he didn’t/

“Yeah” Mike repeated back, in a small voice, “Sick.”

TBC? Yes? No?

Current Location: Home
Current Music: Park Life

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coeur_de_noir

Ahhhh I am stalking you lately with my comments but jesus woman, you are genius personified.

Like Lady Marmalade, you make the savage beast inside roar until he cried more more MORE! By which I mean, yes please to the TBC.

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