[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Title: Enriching the Mind
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: Howard is trying to read. He has Very Important Things to read here, Vince, he's living the intellectual life, he doesn't have time to-- ah-- really, he doesn't.

Or: Vince launches a campaign of seduction by annoyance.
Rating: M
Word count: 1827

There is a moment where Howard could do something, push Vince away or snap at him to leave him be-- but he doesn’t. He just harrumphs and squares his shoulders and turns even more emphatically to his book.

Vince grins into Howard’s hair.

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Title: The Art of Not Being Noticed
Pairing: Pete Sweet/Stitch
Authors: Culumacilinte, [livejournal.com profile] bluestocking79
Summary: Pete has no shame; this may be a contagious condition
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3776
Notes: The working title of this fic was Pete Sweet and his RIDICULOUS ENORMOUS COCK, and What was Done With It, which I think tells you something about what to expect

Pete drives him wild, he really does, makes him feel... ravenous, greedy; he wants Pete in every conceivable way, every position, wants to do everything to him, with him. It freaks him out sometimes, but right now it's so good and he's so wound up, feeling about as drunk on Pete as those few gins, he can't be bothered. Pete's good influence, maybe
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com

SO WHO’S READY FOR A MIGHTY BOOSH DÆMON AU??? Hell fucking yeah. Because dæmon AUs are THE BEST and I love them, and I don’t think there exists one yet for the Boosh! Which is shocking. (Psst, those of you who don’t know His Dark Materials; you don’t really need to, a quick wiki of dæmon will serve you just fine)

Title: Wild Above Rule or Art
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir, but only in a very gen preslashy way
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: But no, that isn’t right; that story’s been told before, and elsewhere. Let me try again.

Or: there are many universes and many continuities; when your soul lives outside your body, some things change. An exploration of possibilities.
Rating: G
Word count: 8298

‘I need a gesture, little man’, says Howard. His Mathilde is on the ground at his side, though Howard usually carries her himself, her little paws splayed firm on the dirty wet brick amongst grit and greasy takeaway wrappers and bottlecaps and fag ends. Her whiskers twitch, nervous.

Vince, more than likely, is going to do something stupid. He usually does. No-one ever taught him how to handle these kinds of situations, you see.

[identity profile] sallysorrell.livejournal.com
Title: The Mighty Boosh Christmas Special of Glitter – Chapter 7
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Summary: A visitor to the Nabootique throws a proverbial spanner in the works, with plans to throw an actual party.
Rating: PG
Word count: ~1400

Read more... )
[identity profile] garrideb.livejournal.com
Title: The Mighty Boosh Christmas Special of Glitter – Chapter 6
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Summary: Vince and Howard flee the Velvet Onion, the Spirit of Jazz hot on their heels.
Rating: PG
Word count: ~1500

Read more... )
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Title: The Mighty Boosh Christmas Special of Glitter – Chapter 2
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Summary: In which Vince does some snooping, and there is accidental magic
Rating: PG
Word count: 1453
Notes: Any similarity to other Howince stories being written at this time are, honest m'lud, completely coincidental. I HAD THE IDEA and was halfway through writing the chapter when a certain other fic was posted, and I went, '... Well shit.' But it's a good trope, and there's not enough of it as is, SO I WENT AHEAD ANYWAY. Also, so many apologies for how long this took me. I have no good excuse.

In scribbly cursive, someone had written, Being a Test of Outlook, for the furtherance and enhancement of Ardour and Understanding between Paramours. )
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Are you in the mood for Baby Boosh with a side helping of weirdly sexual, blurrily-boundaried friendship and foot fetish? Well, HAVE I GOT A FIC FOR YOU! *fingerguns, oh yeah, chicka chickaaa*

Title: Overground
Pairing: Julian Barratt/Noel Fielding
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: Noel has a thing for Julian’s feet. More or less. It’s all a bit weird.
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4830

Noel takes to doodling foot monsters, in pencil and sharpie and sloppy acrylic paints. Most of them are only just barely recogniseable as feet; they've got bums or tentacles or ears, strange and misshapen. The foot thing is clearly some kind of grotesque fascination generally, regardless of Noel's individual feelings on his or Julian's individual feet.

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Sorry this one took so long, guys!

Title: The Mighty Boosh Halloween Special of Doom – Chapter 5
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir pre-slash
Summary: Howard is confronted by a denizen of the mirror world, and discovers someone else trapped there
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1,127
Warnings: A bit of sexual aggression, but nothing worse than you'd see in the show

'Oh!' Vince's eyes went wide and excited, and he pushed himself off the wall in a sinuous arc of motion that started at his hips. 'I know, lemme show you something.' )
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com

Title: Night Watch
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: However narcissistic he is, the sight of himself in his Zooniverse jacket had never before been sufficient to turn Vince on, but, well, it’s all about context, isn’t it?
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 2898
Notes: From the prompt: ‘I have a head-canon that Vince only ever agreed to work night watch (on the condition it was with Howard) cos he was hoping Howard would make a move - what if once they’re together they role play 'nightwatch’ so Vince’s fantasies can come true?’

'Howaaaaard,' he whinges as he throws himself down on the couch. 'Night watch is so boring. Can't we at least put the telly on?'

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Filthy Clusterfuck porn, with no excuses. Would have been very chic here roundabout 2007.

Title: Into Trouble
Pairing: Dee Plume/Julian Barratt, Dee Plume/Julian Barratt/Melvis Crawford, Dee Plume/Noel Fielding
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: Julian is a drunken hobo shambles, Dee’s got the horn, Melvis helps out. Noel reaps (some of) the rewards later. Filthy moresome porn with no real justification.
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 843

Noel catches Dee later in a corridor and plucks wickedly at the torn tights she’s still wearing, an impish, provoking grin on his face. His fringe is all sweaty, messily shoved halfway off his forehead. ‘What’s this, Delia? You been getting into trouble?’

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
More trans!Howard! Becayse she is my precious baby and there can never be enough of her.

Title: Howard B. Conducts Further Explorations
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: … And Vince joins her. A narrative following the events of Pea: or, the Rediscovery of Howard B. Moon, in which Howard’s transition continues apace, and her romance with Vince takes on a new dimension.
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 8,326

Part of her felt a little silly, like she was trying to woo herself, like she needed persuasion with jazz and soft touches before she could get herself into bed. She sniffed at that part. 'It's not like I wouldn't be listening to jazz anyway, with Vince out of the house.'
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
WHOOPS I've not been reliably crossposting my stuff here for the past few months, so prepare to be INUNDATED with all my new fic. This one isn't really properly Booshfic, but I'd say it counts about as much as any of the Mint Royale stuff that's been written does. Characters loosely inspired by Noel and Julian, et al, let's say.

Title: Bitter Resin and Salt
Pairing: fae!Noel Fielding/OFC, with a side helping of fae!Dee Plume/fae!Sue Denim/OFC, and implied fae!Julian Barratt/fae!Julia Davis
Author: Culumacilinte
Rating: M
Word count: 2511
Warnings: Some dubious consent (ish– faerie enchantment being what it is) and a bit of disturbing imagery
Summary: Follow him into the woods, you know you want to. Here, aren’t you hungry? One of these little fruits, he’ll hold it to your lips for you (just the barest brush of his fingertips against the skin under your mouth, and his skin is so soft, and he smiles so bashfully, as if it were a mistake). Take his hand, this way, watch the roots. (but if you come in, you can never leave).

He twists around the trunk like a glittering, pale-and-black snake, hand uncurling in the air between you. An imperious command to follow, or a childish invitation to join him, a dare, a wicked invocation in the sly scroll of his fingers. Take his hand, this way, watch the roots. (but if you come in, you can never leave).
[identity profile] ideserveyou.livejournal.com
Title: Surprise Package
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Summary: Howard is having a rubbish birthday. Then it gets better.
Rating: R (dicks doth touch but doth not penetrate in the nether regions)
Warnings: poorly written with too much dialogue
Length: about 3100 words
Spoilers:  See Rating
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. I know them so well, but still I don’t own them and they’re not making me any money, they’re just making me happy. Don’t ask why they make me happy in this particular way. They just do. Very happy.
Notes:  Huge apologies to Connie, for whom this was intended as a slightly late birthday present for this year but is now more of a slightly early present for Christmas or next birthday. Un-beta’d and endlessly tinkered with, so all constructive feedback will be gratefully received because it’s been so long since I finished a smutty story that I honestly don’t know whether I can actually write this stuff any more...

The view of London from the roof of the Nabootique is superb this evening: rooftops gleaming, a few lights already twinkling in windows, the sky still tinted with red and gold where the sun has just slipped over the horizon, the Moon smiling down with his chalky-white face.

But all of it might as well be Leeds in the drizzle as far as Howard Moon is concerned.

This has to be the most rubbish birthday he’s ever had, EVER, in all his... thirty-three, yes thirty-three (he glares at the Moon) years.

Even worse than last year’s, and that’s saying something.

Read more... )
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
More fic from me! Not any of the things I've been, you know, working on for the past three months, but rather a thing that I accidentally wrote because I have A LOT OF FEELS about jungle child Vince, and s3!Vince, and a criminal weakness for tragedy buttons centring around childhood and forgetting. Fluff and angst.

Title: To Jump on the Wind's Back
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir, but it's pretty gen
Author: Culumacilinte
Rating: G
Word count: 3,333
Summary: It’s easy to forget, sometimes, if you don’t have any reminders. Vince gets a reminder.

When Howard opened his eyes, it was to the weight of Vince kneeling across his hips and smiling down at him with such unadulterated sunshine that Howard felt briefly like he was eleven years old again, seeing that smile for the first time and unused to the force of it.
[identity profile] ideserveyou.livejournal.com
... they're only drabbles. But they are the first actually writted-down fic I've written in months, so I'm going to post them as a reminder to myself to write more and better things over the coming weeks... months... years... who knows?
Anyway *clears throat nervously*:

Title: Drabble: Look At Them Shine
Summary: Vince has a guilty secret
Rating: PG-13, nothing explicit
Warnings: there are probably reasons nobody writes this particular Noelian pairing...
Length: 100 words
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. I don’t own them and they’re not making me any money, they’re just making me happy. Don’t ask why they make me happy in this particular way. They just do.
Notes: Honestly, I despair. I have writer’s block for months and THIS is how my muse chooses to return??? I’ve gone wrong. Still, beggars can’t be choosers, and even a hundred crappy words are a big improvement on no words at all...


Welcome! There are over seventeen – Oh, it’s you again.

I like your boots, look at them shine!

Stop primping your hair, vanity will get you nowhere. Look at me, I can give you what you want.

Take off your jacket... no, stop looking at your reflections, you haven’t put on weight since last week... now the shirt.

Ah. There’s a smear there. Let me wipe it away.

I know what you want – a good polishing. Yes. A rub with my softest cloth. A feel of my mirrorballs. A quick squirt. Oooh... warm...

Why have you never told me your name?


Title: Drabble: The End of the Road
Summary: The Moon didn’t need to see that.
Rating: PG-13, nothing explicit although it’s pretty dark
Warnings: character death
Length: 100 words
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. I don’t own them and they’re not making me any money, they’re just making me happy. Don’t ask why they make me happy in this particular way. They just do.
Notes: It’s good to be writing again. Apologies for the subject matter. I have a whole list of odd Noelian Boosh pairings to explore and I’m hoping perhaps some of them might give rise to something more substantial, also pleasanter to look at!

By the light of the full Moon... the main Moon... which is me... something crawls among the binbags in the dump.

It’s good that the Moon can’t smell the smells of Earth, just cheese. Up here is only cheese.

Rats like cheese. That down there is too big for a rat, jagged teeth glistening, one crazy eye reflecting my face.

A needle-clawed paw scrabbles at the air; a thin voice wails on the wind.

I turn away and sing a song.

After three songs, the wailing stops.

Sometimes, when you are the Moon, all you can do is look away.

fic: tourbus

Jul. 16th, 2015 10:34 pm
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Title: Tourbus
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt. Ish.
Characters: It's an ensemble piece. Noel Fielding, Julian Barratt, Mike Fielding, Rich Fulcher, Dave Brown
Author: Culumacilinte
Rating: M
Word count: 943
Summary: On a five month tour, sometimes you just need to have a wank, even if a tourbus doesn’t allow for many places to do so in private. A sampling of sneaky tourbus wanks.

‘You gotta dial it down, dude,’ Rich says too loudly, and laughs. ‘I totally heard you bashing one out last night.’

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com

Title: Not Doing Anything (Seven Minutes)
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Rating: Teen
Word count: 2260
A/N: Set ambiguously during the time they were at university together, as they apparently were in at least one continuity. Unfulfilled teenage tension, awww yeah.
Summary: Until ‘Howard and Vince!’ someone says, and laughs burst out around the circle. ‘Pff, like they’re not doing it already!’ laughs a girl, and Vince turns to see Howard’s face battling to decide whether it wants to turn red or white.

From the prompt 'Howard/Vince-- Seven Minutes in Heaven'

The laughter and chatter of the group of kids is muffled by the door and the heavy fabric of coats, but the dark, close space of the closet is full of breaths and heartbeats, and the awkward shift of Howard’s feet.

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
And that's it! At least for now. The final chapter of this particular adventure.

Title: Pea: or, the Rediscovery of Howard B. Moon
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: A narrative, conveyed with the assistance of Vince Noir, of how Howard Moon realised she was a woman, and what was done about it.
Rating: Teen
Word count: 3870, for this chapter

Chapter Six: In Which There is an Adventure, and Howard Becomes a Woman of Action
[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
Because I forgot to put this up here last week when I actually wrote it, whoops.

Title: Pies: A Tragico-Absurdist Vignette of Revolutionary Russia
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir, ish. Basically canon levels of slashiness
Author: Culumacilinte
Rating: G
Word count: 1386
Summary: ‘This is a little piece now I’ve written myself, with a pen, and it’s set in Russia, around the turn of the century. I know what you’re thinking— don’t think that, because this is dark, penetrating theatre. Please enjoy a piece I’ve written, called simply: Pies.’

An excerpt from the script of Pies: A Tragico-Absurdist Vignette of Revolutionary Russia, and its initial reception.

What is this? Surely one cannot truly fit millions of birds into a small pie, surely a man like this would not play such a cruel jape upon a poor woman. But this is not real life; this is Absurd.

[identity profile] hobbit-feets.livejournal.com
It's been stressful, and finally Howard and Vince get a chapter to kick back and have a bit of a cuddle. That's right, cuddling. I went on a bit of a cuddle overload for this chapter. ALL THE CUDDLING, and it's awesome.

Title: Pea: or, the Rediscovery of Howard B. Moon
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Author: Culumacilinte
Summary: A narrative, conveyed with the assistance of Vince Noir, of how Howard Moon realised she was a woman, and what was done about it.
Rating: Teen
Word count: 5051, for this chapter

Chapter Five: In Which There are Celebrations, and a Mistake is not Made

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