wannabemod.livejournal.com posting in

Title: Again with the gay (RPS)
Pairing: Noelian & Howince
Summary: Noel and Julian are struggling to write the Boosh Movie until Noel is struck by sudden (ghey) inspiration.
Word Count: 3,740
Rating: PG
Challenge: Challenge 23 - Boosh Movie Scene
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic. I'm a student; I own nothing.
Notes: Big hugs and thanks to

themogwaifor the excellent Beta services! Also, this is dedicated to

lmusic for finding me a fic I had been stressing over for months.

Challenge #23:'BOOSH MOVIE SCENE'

“You do realize that we can’t make an entire movie with nothing but your obscure doodles of demons?”

“But look at this one, Ju, yeah? He’s half human, half xylophone!”

“Look, we need to-” exasperated by Noel’s persistent fluttering, Julian reaches for the piece of paper Noel is waving in his face, turning it on its side and frowning, utterly perplexed.

“What’s that?” Julian asked, as he pointed his pen at a large red triangle shape that Noel had drawn sticking out of xylophone mans torso.

“It’s his hat, ain’t it?”

“His hat? It looks like a malfunctioning nipple, Noel! Why’s it on his chest?”

“You’re a malfunctioning nipple! Look,” Noel wrestled the paper out of Julian’s hands and held it upright again, “it would help it you looked at it the right way, you berk!”

Julian shook his head in defeat, leaning his head back against the cool white walls of his bedroom and letting his eyes drift closed as he tried to relax. Some people found it weird that they chose to write whilst sat on Julian’s bed, usually at nighttimes when their rational-daytime brains were becoming tired and their creative Boosh-brains were kicked into gear. It was just how things worked for Julian and Noel, though; a perfect place to sit and come up with magical ideas and also a place to crash out at the end of a writing session, surrounded by discarded drawings and scripts, working up the energy to start the familiar process the next evening.

Julian was just starting to unwind when Noel leaned over to the middle of the bed and hit him around the head with a packet of felt tips.

“Hey, don’t start having a sleepy now, you lazy git. You’re the one nagging about starting work on the script.”

“Alright, little man! No need to start getting violent.” Julian chuckled sleepily. After a second’s thought, he snatched the pens out Noel hands, putting them on his bedside table, out of Noel’s reach, to avoid future felt-tip beatings.

“Right, then. Ideas…” Noel sat at the foot of the bed, legs crossed and arms stretched out behind him, propping himself up, as he gazed upward at the ceiling. His face went through an array of many different expressions. Julian noted how it started with Noel’s eyes going even wider than normal, his tongue poking through his teeth; imaginative. Then his eyebrows furrowed slightly as he pressed a blue felt-tip thoughtfully against his lower lip; unsure. Finally, Julian watched as Noel clicked the lid back onto the pen, scratched the back of his neck and ruffled the hair at the top of his head; surrender. “Yeah, I got nothing.” Noel looked worriedly at Julian; lack of inspiration was never usually such a problem when it came to writing the show. ‘Maybe it’s the pressure of writing a whole movie that’s making this difficult?’ Noel wondered.

“Was agreeing to this film really such a good idea?” Julian’s comment was meant to be just comedic pessimism but the possibility of having no new material left made him increasingly anxious. “What else is there to do? Vince ‘n’ Howard have been from the Arctic to Zooberon, met everyone from an underwater sea transsexual to a vicious fox with a crack addiction and have done everything from boiling the Hitcher to death in a shower to swimming through the blood stream of a Punk to assassinate a rogue jazz cell! Is there anything Vince and Howard haven’t done?”

“I can think of one thing they haven’t done yet that I’m sure would please a few fans out there.” Noel giggled childishly as he remembered a site he had stumbled across a while back and that he had returned to, just out of curiosity, earlier this week. He had no idea just how many fans wanted to see Howard and Vince ‘get it on’ in the upcoming movie. “Perverts.” Noel smiled and started to play with his hair.

“Perverts?” asked Julian, looking more than a little confused. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what went on in Noel’s mind during the rare few moments that he went quiet like that.

“Yeah, perverts!” Noel’s face lit up suddenly, “I can’t believe I never thought of this before! Let’s just give them what they want!” Noel exclaimed, as he started to bounce up and down on the bed, making a dive towards the packet of felt tips that were currently placed on the bedside table. In order for Noel to reach them, he launched himself in that direction and ended up sprawled over Julian who did not seem entirely thrilled by the fact that Noel’s knee was now lodged rather painfully in his ribcage.

“Christ sake, Noel! You’re about as graceful as an elephant on E! Get your elbow out of my face!” Julian grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders, pushing his slight form away, rolling him over and pinning him to the bed. Roles somewhat reversed, Julian was now sprawled across Noel and his strong hands were pressing the trinket-adorned wrists into the mattress.

“Well hello there, sailor! Getting into character already, are we?” Noel’s voice was laden with mock flirtation and excessive campness, “Impressive, I must say.” He winked at the man above him, restraining him in the rather suggestive position.

“What!?” Julian said, after a few seconds of staring blankly at Noel as if he had gone certifiably insane.

“You’ll see!” Noel pressed a quick kiss to Julian’s cheek before summoning the energy shove him aside, grabbing for the pens and nearest blank sheet of paper.

Noel grinned manically as he started to write.

Boosh film – Ideas

(Howard and Vince are alone in the flat, Bollo & Naboo are at some shaman meeting or something. Howard is sat at the window watching the rain when Vince walks into the room. Vince looks gorgeous, as per usual.)

Vince: (sits on the chair nearest the window, facing Howard) Alright Howard? I’ve been thinking about what Fossil said-

Howard: (quickly turns to face Vince, eyes all angry-looking) NO! Look, let’s not even talk about that right now, little man.

Vince: Alright.

(They both sit in silence for around 5 seconds)

Vince: How about now?

Howard: (voice grumpy and miserable) Vince, Bob Fossil has the IQ of a raisin. I’m Howard Moon, a man with astounding intelligence and wits; I shall not be blackmailed by that imbecile, no way sir!

“Blackmail?” Questioned Julian, his nose scrunched up and head tilted slightly to one side, unsure of the plot Noel was unfurling. “What would Bob Fossil be using as blackmail against Howard?”

Noel’s eyes were locked on the developing script as he repeatedly tapped the end of the pen against his chin. Suddenly inspiration struck and Julian started to worry slightly as that frenzied grin reappeared on his friend’s face.

“Well…” Noel started, “Fossil is searching through old CCTV footage from years back at the Zooniverse trying to find the tape of Dixon Bainbridge dancing, naked, to ‘Ultravox – Vienna’. Fossil was supposed to let Bainbridge know that the security cameras had been installed in all of the offices too, but he never did. He knew exactly what went on in that office whenever he heard music from the 80’s blasting through the speakers and soon enough it became his mission to capture it on camera. Little did he know that a few years later it would be the only reminder he had of the late, not-so-great, Dixon Bainbridge.”

“What? Bainbridge is dead?”

“Shh…” Noel pressed his index finger against Julian’s lips dramatically, “I’m building an atmosphere here, creating a masterpiece. Don’t interrupt me.” He retracted his hand and went back to scribbling a loose plot on a separate sheet of paper to the script.

“Yeah, you got it in one, Barratt. Bainbridge is dead and it’s all down to Howard Moon.” Noel crossed his legs and stared intently into Julian’s eyes and he carried on explaining his elaborate plot.

“Back in the days of the Zooniverse, Howard was still trying to impress Mrs Gideon, even though after years of him being madly in love with her, she couldn’t even remember his name. Howard was obsessed with her to the point of turning an entire broomcupboard in the zookeepers hut into a Gideon-shrine, complete with over 1846 different kinds of bookmark, a large collection of jazz instruments, a scrapbook of cream poems and a small ‘Barry Manilow’ figurine (I’m not quite sure why that would be in there - but it was).”

Noel started writing brief notes down on the paper again, laughing as he elaborated the obscure plot in his mind.

(Flashback to the Zooniverse. Howard is sat kneeling before a trombone whilst sipping from a mug of tea in the Gideon-shrine when Dixon Bainbridge storms in)

Bainbridge: (Bellowing) Moon! Where are you Moon? Fossil’s scalded his man-chest with piping hot tea, something to do with a pocket cup accident. Anyway, he requested I sat holding a cold towel to his bosom but the thought makes me rather nauseous. I said you would do it. You are his bitch after all, aren’t you Moon. Moon?

Howard: (Hurrying to lock the door of the shrine to keep it from prying eyes, Howard split his tea on to the floor. He ran to grab a mop, calling out and trying to forestall Bainbridge) One minute Sir, wait right there, won’t be a second.

Bainbridge: (starts to walk round the corner towards Howard) What’s going on there Moon? You sound awfully suspicious. Are you and you’re ugly girlfriend having a romantic escapade in that cupboard?

(Bainbridge turns to face the closed door to the shrine, just as Howard is dashing in the same direction, a mop in his hand and a humiliated look on his face)

Howard: Oh, Bainbridge, hi! Erm, I was just-

Bainbridge: Stop stuttering like a buffoon and tell me what you’re hiding Moon. I own this Zoo and have the right to know what you’re hiding behind that door!

Howard: (Eyes wide with panic) It’s nothing, Sir, honest! I’m, erm, using the room to laminate the pages of Larry ‘Big Face’ Edison’s biography. It’s a great book, Sir; you should have a read of it sometime. Just not right now, it’s not in there, because, erm... It’s at Leroy’s! Yeah, Leroy borrowed it! That’s why you shouldn’t go in there, there’s nothing in there so there would be no point. (Laughs nervously) Don’t go in there, please. I will do anything; I’ve got so much to give… (Starts sobbing pathetically)

Bainbridge: (Forcefully pushes Howard out of his way) My God, Moon. Be a man and stop that wailing! You’re hiding something from me and I will find out! (Rushes to the door of the shrine)

Howard: No, please! Just wait! (Lunges at Bainbridge who has now got the door partially open, making him stumble and slip in the puddle of tea on the floor.)

Bainbridge: Moon! You complete wan- (Bainbridge is cut off mid sentence as he lands with a thud. His head now accidentally trapped inside a trombone)

Howard: (After a couple of minutes of staring dumbfounded at the sight before him of a motionless Bainbridge, legs and arms akimbo and his head firmly lodged inside his prized jazz instrument, Howard kicks him gently to try and coax a reaction out of him) Bainbridge Sir, are you okay there?

“So there you have it. Howard killed Bainbridge and it was all caught on CCTV.”

“Bit farfetched isn’t it, even for the Boosh?” Countered Julian.

“Well that’s what happened, yeah? Death by jazz.”

“You’ve been obsessed with getting that concept into the Boosh ever since the beginning! Anyways, what’s this got to go with the Fossil-blackmail thing? Do you even know where this is going?” Julian laughed; it was a combination of confusion and amazement at Noel’s ability to pull such crazy plots out of thin air.

“Well, I think we all know how much Fossil thought of Bainbridge so when he was left without him he got a bit lonely. He started watchin’ all the zoo workers and imagining their lives, what they got up to an’ that. He watched Howard and Vince, noticed how they were always together and seemed to look lovingly at one another. He assumed they were a couple-”

“Oh my God! Again with the gay.” Julian sighed and rolled his eyes. He always pretended that these occasions were such a chore but never put up much of a fight when Noel suggested a bit of man-on-man to liven up the scrip or stage show. ‘There’s nowt queer as Julian!’ Noel thought.

“Shut your face and listen up, alright? This is gonna be genius!” Noel smiled and playfully hit Julian on the arm. Noel was such a tactile person, it’s just that nobody really noticed the repeated jabs in the ribs or smacks round the head that he dealt out, namely to Julian. The hugs and kisses were all anybody cared about. Julian comforted himself in the knowledge that he was usually on the receiving end of most of them too.

“Okay, so Fossil wasn’t the luckiest when it came to romance.” Noel explained, “The nearest he had ever gotten to another human being was a swift kick in the nuts from Bainbridge and when he was left without even that contact, he started to go crazy… I mean even crazier. But anyways, he was getting more and more jealous of what he thought Howard and Vince had, he was amazed by them, obsessed even. So when he found that video footage of Howard accidentally killing Bainbridge, the little light bulb flickered on and that’s when he planned his blackmailing revenge”

Julian started to wince, knowing full well that whatever Noel was about to say was definitely going to be outlandish and ultimately rather humiliating.

“He tracked Howard down, knocked at his door and delivered his ultimatum. And I quote, ‘A full set of pictures of you and little Vincey-pie getting your man-love on, or everybody finds out what a homosexual, homicidal maniac you really are!’”

“You know that metaphorical line we discussed, Noel, when we were writing the ‘Party’ episode?”

“Yeah.”

“You just crossed it.”

Noel thought about this for a minute before pouting in Julian’s direction and shimmying nearer to him on the bed.

“C’mon, Ju. It’d be hilarious! Comedy Gold!”

“No, it would be gay porn!” Julian exclaimed.

Noel giggled childishly at Julian’s reaction. He wasn’t alarmed by the dismissal of his idea; he knew full well that given time and effort he could persuade Julian into agreeing with the plot. The only problem was, Noel had never been very good at the whole ‘patience’ thing. This little personality flaw had earned him the title ‘The Little Prince’; anything Noel wants, Noel gets. This was not about to become an exception.

“Please, Ju…” Noel pressed his body against Julian’s side suggestively, wrapping a lock of the older man’s hair around his finger as he spoke. “It’ll be funny, the fans will love it and it’s the only idea we’ve got right now. C’mon…”

“It’s just not in context with The Boosh. What’s gotten into you? You’re like a horny teenager!” Julian laughed nervously as he tried to shift along the bed to put a bit of space in between himself and Noel.

“No, I’m a 35-year old comedian, struggling to write a script for a film that is already being talked about all over town and now the most genius plot ever has been shot down by you coz it’s, ‘Not in context with The Boosh’, even though one of the main attributes of The Boosh is clearly it’s homoerotic undertones.”

Julian stared dumbfounded at Noel, giving him a chance to get his breath back and also trying to come up with a suitable comeback. “Don’t think you getting all smart-arse is going to get me to change my mind, little man. It’s just not going to work.” Julian smiled at the absurdity of the conversation and at Noel’s persistence.

“If you’re not 100% sure about it, throw in a few of your own ideas. Mix it up a bit, I can compromise… A bit.” Noel flashed that wolfish grin that he knew people found hard to resist. “Just be a bit more open minded.” He said as he climbed over to Julian, straddling him and pushing his shoulders gently until his back leaned comfortably against the headboard.

“Noel, this isn’t going to-”

“Shh,” Noel murmured, placing his right index finger against Julian’s lips and leaning in to whisper in his ear, “less talking, more rehearsing.”

Noel shuffled further up Julian’s body so the height difference was less obvious and stared deep into his eyes. He slowly moved the finger he used to silence the taller man along his bottom lip, stopping at the corner and stroking his cheek with his thumb. The friction from Julian’s stubble was making his thumb feel tingly; he lowered his hand and started toying with the collar of Julian’s shirt.

Julian couldn’t tell what was racing faster, his head or his heartbeat. This was soon changed as his mind went blank as Noel pressed his lips gently against his, staying still for a few seconds before Noel started to slowly brush their mouths against one another. Julian didn’t know what to do; he was shocked at his own reaction of placing his hands on Noels hips and returning the kiss, still tender and soft. They stayed like this for a few minutes before Julian moved his hands higher until they were resting just below Noel arms, rolling him over until he was once again pinned to the bed by Julian’s body. Only this time, it was motivated by passion and not a need for control.

Julian broke away from the kiss and swept a stray strand of Noel’s hair from off of his face as he looked into his eyes and smiled, “Seeing as you want this so much, I guess we can compromise on the script.”

Noel beamed at Julian and reached up to place a quick kiss on the tip of his nose.

.~.~.

The room is pitch-black and the only sound is of clothes rustling and zippers being pulled down.

“Alright Howard, slow down! This is supposed to be romantic, aint it?”

“Romantic, Vince? What part of being blackmailed into losing my virginity to a prancing, London ladyboy is romantic, eh?”

“Look, you’re hardly catch o’ the day, are ya? I’m giving myself to you to save you from the humiliation of having everyone know what you did to Bainbridge. “

“Alright, Little man. Don’t be going all ‘damsel in distress’ on me! I just… I’m just nervous, alright? I’ve never done this before…”

“C’mon, Howard. It’ll be fine, I promise. Just do what I say, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, now put your hands here. Okay?”

“Here?”

“Yeah, see? You’re doing great. Now, keeping that hand there put this over here… What are you doing?! Not there you pervert! Christ, Howard!”

“I'm sorry! See, I’m no good at this! I don’t care, let Fossil have his way. I’m out of here!”

“No, Howard! Wait! Okay, everyone’s nervous when it’s their first time, it’s normal.”

“Were you nervous, Vince?”

“Well no, look at me, I'm gorgeous! What have I got to be nervous about?”

“Exactly, you’re too good for me, Vince. I’m leaving.”

“What? You’re gonna leave the flat like that are ya; utterly starker’s and with a face like a slapped arse? And anyways, I decide who is and isn’t good enough for me! Come here…”

“Whoa there, little man. What are you doing?”

“What I’ve wanted to do for quite a while now, actually. You’re a damsel in distress and it’s down to Vince Noir to save you from the evil wrath of Mr Fossil. Just think of it as any other week; you get yourself into trouble and I come and rescue you. It’s how things work, init.”

“Are you sure about this, Vince?”

“Stop being such a virgin, you northern muppet!”

“Alright, I’m going to be a man! I’m gonna take all these years of unresolved sexual tension and… resolve them.”

“Is that your idea of sexy-talk, Howard?”

“Maybe… Why, is that not good?”

“Enough with the speaking, Howard.”

“That does seem like the best optio- Ooh, Vince, that tickles!”

.~.~.

Noel sat on the sofa, swinging his legs rapidly and chewing on the end of his thumb. Julian was sat next to Noel, sipping continuously from the bottle of beer in his hand and laughing at the TV screen across the room. Noel’s living room was full of Boosh colleagues, friends and family, all gathered round the screen that was showing the finished Mighty Boosh Movie for the first time.

“Now this is my kind of movie premier; I don’t have to dress up, there are no hoards of photographers shouting at me to get out of the way so I’m not blocking the perfect picture of you, and being drunk beyond recognition will only make me fit in with this lot even more.” Said Julian, motioning with his empty bottle at the masses of brightly dressed people sat scattered on the floor with the occasional, lucky ones sat on one of Noel’s many neon bean bags.

“Well, you’ve clearly enjoyed this evening’s refreshments,” quipped Noel, taking the bottle out of Julian’s hand and placing it down on the floor just beside the sofa, “But what did you think of the entertainment?”

Julian scrunched his eyes up and looked at Noel with a face that conveyed utter confusion.

“The film? You know; that thing we have been endlessly working on for the last few months.” Noel laughed and squeezed Julian’s thigh affectionately, waiting for a response other than Julian simply looking down at the hand on his leg and blushing slightly.

“Oh, yeah. The film… It was good. Turned out great, didn’t it?” Julian nodded to himself as he spoke, making a mental note that if he didn’t win an Oscar for that fine performance, he didn’t know what the world was coming to.

“So I was right?” Noel asked as he leaned closer to the older man.

“About what?”

“About the plot for the film; you didn’t think it was too gay?”

“Noel, we’re the Boosh; we can never be too gay.”

(This is the first time I have posted using Rich Text so I apologize if anything goes wrong - let me know and I'll fix it quick-smart!)
Enjoy!
x.X.x

Current Mood: accomplished

Tags:

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(deleted comment)

From:

Welcome to the Kingdom of Gheydom

Challenge #23 - Boosh Movie Scene

Challenge #23:'BOOSH MOVIE SCENE'

Boosh film – Ideas

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags