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booshslashhavenTitle: Howard Moon and the Rules of Attraction (Chapter the Fifth)
Pairing or Characters: Howince
Summary: Howard finds himself once more completely resistable to everyone but Vince.
Word Count: 1,354
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: just your general mild sexy-talk, mild violence, and mild language. Also, mild crossovers
Challenge: none
Disclaimer: Oh, how loudly I disclaim! I throw myself, prostrate (not the second 'r'!) at the great and powerful feet of The Mighty Boosh, which is in no way mine!
Author’s Notes: I have criminally under-used a certain character (and also written no smut whatsoever in a fic all about Howard!molestation), so although this wraps up the fic proper, there will be an epilogue. I was going to post it all in one go, but lj tells me this is too large...
CH.I: http://community.livejournal.com/bo
CH.II: http://community.livejournal.com/booshsl
CH.III: http://community.livejournal.com/booshsl
CH IV: http://community.livejournal.com/booshslashhaven/850921.html?view=16187625#t16187625
“What are you doing back here?” Naboo scowled at Howard over the top of a spellbook which practically dwarfed him.
“I’ve broken the bad touch juju, my friend. I’m free. I’ve found my true love, and I am a man.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“Your petty jibes can’t hurt me now, Naboolio old chum.” Howard was beaming. It was well outside the natural order of things, but it felt marvelous. “I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it.”
“So which one caught you?”
Vince bounced into the flat, groped Howard shamelessly in passing, and began rummaging through the kitchen cupboards with no clear idea of what it was he was looking for.
“He didn’t need to catch me. I’ve been waiting to be his all along.”
“You lied to me.” Naboo narrowed his eyes at Vince.
“I didn’t lie.” Vince dug out a bag of gummi bears.
“You said Howard wasn’t more attractive today.”
“The potion didn’t do squat for me, Naboo. I thought Howard was dead sexy yesterday.”
“Oh. Right. I forgot you suffer from brain damage.”
“Hey now.” Howard put an arm around Vince. “That’s no way to be talking to my boyfriend, you hear me?”
“Anyway, it’s just as well. Apparently antidotes only work if you don’t mess with the original potion. You did miss all the excitement, though.”
“Oh no.” Howard said, deadpan. “However will we cope?”
“Grim Reaper came looking for you. Vince, Bollo ripped his arms out for you, but they popped back in. And some ghost kept popping up, finally had to exorcise him. He was all lovelorn, had to break out the Ouija board and hook him up with some other dead tosser. Couldn’t find any human ghosts, stuck him with some roadkill, figured you wouldn’t mind.”
“Here now!” Howard felt a small pang, possibly guilt. He didn’t enjoy being molested by the dead Flange, but he did owe the man, and Montgomery Flange had been one of the great actors of his age. He certainly rated better than roadkill. “That doesn’t sound quite on, Naboo.”
“Nah, they both hate Sammy the Crab. Actually, the dead fox sort of hated everything...”
“Back to the Grim Reaper?” Vince cleared his throat. He looked uncharacteristically worried. “I mean, you saw him off, right? He was just looking for Howard for a shag, not to kill him? He’s not comin’ back, is he?”
Naboo shrugged. “He didn’t say what he wanted Howard for. I shifted him into another dimension. He’ll be there ages, I wouldn’t worry.”
“No, of course you wouldn’t worry. Your shaman friends aren’t still hanging around, are they?”
“Nah, if you don’t send ‘em off, they’ll smoke everything in the joint. Well, Dennis is still here, he’s catatonic, though.”
Vince snorted. “Oh, yeah, the decapitator can’t hold his drugs.”
“It isn’t that.” Naboo shook his head. “Saboo had to drag Tony Harrison back home to his missus before any more damage was done, but what happened was, Howard, you and that love potion got him worked up into such a state—“
“Excuse me? That potion was largely his fault to begin with!”
“—That when Dennis went to go pull him out of the bins... Well, I didn’t witness most of it, but Saboo eventually went to check when they didn’t come straight back and he says it was a pretty raunchy display of naughty tentacle action.”
“You don’t mean—He didn’t—“
“Yeah, Dennis hasn’t really recouperated from the trauma. A morning of passion with Tony Harrison is the kind of thing to put you wrong in the mindbox.”
Howard tamped down on a strong urge to retch. Vince bopped across the room to clap Naboo on the shoulder.
“You’re such a good friend. Lettin’ that maniac be all catatonic in your bed. That’s shaman charity, that is.”
“Oh, I didn’t give Dennis my bed. He’s in Howard’s bed.”
“WHAT?”
“That’s all right, Howard.” Vince had the mother of all cheeky grins as he sprung back into Howard’s personal space. “You can share my bed.”
Howard wasn’t sure Vince’s bed was big enough to sleep two, but he was willing to find out.
Bollo lumbered into the room, sniffed the air, and furrowed his brow. “Why precious Vince covered in sugar?”
Vince giggled on his answer, which was just as well, since from the words Howard made out, it wasn’t fit for the ears of the general public. Or over-protective gorillas who might want to rip Howard’s arms off.
“It’s just been a crazy day, that’s all.” Howard said quickly, dusting himself off and praying his own sweetener-coated state went unnoticed. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Vince did a very poor job of acting casual. “Ought to do the same. I’m all... sticky. And sweet.”
They were halfway down the hall when Howard heard the last thing he expected:
“This mean Bollo owe Naboo five Euro?”
He’d have to be outraged after his shower.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
One really good shower later, with Vince half in his lap and feeding him tiny sections of Satsuma, Howard couldn’t really find it in his heart to be outraged, even if his friends had been making book on his love life. The icing on the cake was, as much as it felt too good to be true, it really was that good.
Well, probably.
Unless...
“Naboo... about that reaper? I’m not really in any imminent danger of death, am I?”
“Yeah, seriously.” Vince added, twisting around to face the shaman. “It’s just, he’s got so much to give, see.”
“Oh, I’ll give it to you. I’ll give it to you proper, sir.”
Vince giggled, dropping a quick and citrusy kiss onto Howard’s lips.
“Oh, knock it off, you two. Honestly, if you get any more... couple-y, I’ll have no other recourse but to turn my back on you.”
“For being couple-y? That’s a bit petty.”
“Yeah. That’s not on, Naboo.”
“Howard’s not going to die. Heard back from the reaper while you two were in the shower—“
“Making sound like howler monkeys.” Bollo grumbled.
“Yeah. He says he’s over you, Howard. He met someone. Susan or something. Apparently she really knows how to polish his bones, and I really don’t want to think about what that means. So you’re off the hook.”
“Genius.” Vince was one hundred percent sunshine again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
That night, Howard and Vince watched the sun set from the roof.
“We had our first kiss here.” Vince smiled, leaning up against Howard.
“I remember.”
“Hey, Howard?”
“Yes, little man?”
“What the hell’s that thing behind the moon?”
“When you’re the moon,” It began, and this time it ignored Howard altogether.
“I’m Deimos.” The smaller heavenly body piped up. “I’m Mars’ moon. One, uh, one time, I had a twin. Phobos. But then Phobos wanted to leave Mars and be Earth’s moon, and, uh, Jupiter et him.”
“I’m the moon.” The moon said stupidly.
“Yeah. You’re Earth’s moon. I’m Mars’ moon. I’m Deimos.”
“I’m the moon.” It had lost its monologue completely. This seemed to be all it had to fall back on.
“I used to be orbiting Mars.” Deimos said. “But I didn’t come to be Earth’s moon like stupid Phobos. I came, uh, I came ‘cos I was orbiting Mars, yeah? And then I looked over at the Earth but instead I saw the Earth’s moon, and I said, I said ‘I do fancy that, that hot piece of natural satellite’. I’m Deimos.”
“I’m the moon.” The moon sighed.
“That’s well weird.” Vince wrinkled his nose.
“I think it’s nice. Everybody gets their happy ending.”
“Yeah, but how do you think they get it on?”
“I don’t think about it, Vince, and neither should you. Come on, now. We’ve got our own affairs to be thinking about.”
Vince grinned, taking Howard’s hand and tugging. “All right. I think we were gonna be sharing my bed tonight?”
“That’s as I remember it, little man. That’s exactly as I remember it.”
~Glas
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 01:30 pm (UTC)Sugar coated Vince and Howard, I would love that!
Poor Dennis being ravenged by Tony lol.
I adore this series- amazing work!
xx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:19 pm (UTC)Sugar coated Vince and Howard sounds delicious... *snaps back out of trance*
Between the series proper and the epilogue upcoming I have so much crack-pairing wrongness in this series... so I'm glad at least people enjoy my crack!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:34 pm (UTC)crack- pairing wrongness is awesome! Never doubt its power! =]
xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:41 pm (UTC)*snorfles at your icon*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:46 pm (UTC)lol glad you like my icon!!
xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 01:31 pm (UTC)Perfect break from all the revision!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 11:18 pm (UTC)Icon was made by V
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 01:48 pm (UTC)and pls graphic sexy times??
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 04:30 pm (UTC)Squuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Gorgeous. Just gorgeous. Short fic, but very sweet (VERY sweet, hehe, the sexy-sugar times :D)!
Epilogue yay! Means it isn't quite over yet!
*sits patiently waiting for more sexy-time chapter*
Brie xx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:26 pm (UTC)*gets to submitting sexy-times to mod queue*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-04 04:22 am (UTC):D
no subject
Date: 2009-06-05 08:54 am (UTC)Ooh-Ooh, havin' the sexy-times
Ooh-ooh, makin' the lovin' times!
Kissing in the dark night,
Got a funky night-light;
Horizontal fun-dance;
Put your hand down my pants!
Mm, sexy!
Oh, honey!
Don't forget to have some sexy times!
(Yeah)
Figured I'd sneak-peek-ify that puppy. (It's currently being made into a little comic)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-05 11:05 am (UTC)I can't wait to see the comic :D
ahhhh, I'm gonna be crimping that one out loud and everyone's gonnan think I'm randy, haha!
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Date: 2009-06-05 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-06 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-06 08:53 pm (UTC)