![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
glasgowsmiles.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
booshslashhavenTitle: Vincent Noir and Howard Moon Are... Lost
Pairing or Characters: Howince-ish
Summary: The Zooniverse is under new management, and Vince and Howard find themselves getting lost. Appearances from crazy shamans and a magic mirror ball.
Word Count: 2,215
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: just the usual oddness
Challenge: none
Disclaimer: Oh, how loudly I disclaim! I throw myself, prostrate (not the second 'r'!) at the great and powerful feet of The Mighty Boosh, which is in no way mine!
Author’s Notes: Okay, no worries everyone, I'm back to doing surreal humour. It's okay.
“Genius!”
“What is it now?” Howard sighed. He and Vince had been walking through the zoo for... how long had it been? Ages or moments? It seemed a bit closer to ages. Especially with Vince stopping every few paces to shout ‘genius’.
“It’s my magic mirror ball. It says my hair’s the fairest in all the land!”
“I’m sorry, your what?”
“My hair.”
“No, before that.”
“Oh, my magic mirror ball? Yeah, you ask it any question about fashion, like, ‘are sequined platforms coming back’, or, ‘will I look okay in leopard print skinnies’, and it gives you the answer. So far it’s told me yes every time!”
“Vince, it’s just a plastic toy, it doesn’t predict fashion trends.”
“But it’s always right. It knows about my hair!”
“It’s just the law of probability, isn’t it? There’s a little die inside that turns when you shake it.”
“But it always says yes, that’s not probable, it’s magic!”
“No, it isn’t cumulative—“
“Rainclouds?”
“What? No! Probability, it isn’t cumu—it doesn’t add up. Every time you shake it the odds are the same, it doesn’t matter what you got last time.”
“I got ‘yes’. I always get ‘yes’.”
This was a disturbingly true statement in many ways, but Howard didn’t want to go into that now. “Look, say I had a coin.”
“How much is it for?”
“What?”
“What kind of coin do you have?”
“I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah it does! Is it enough to buy an ice cream?”
“No! It’s... it’s foreign money. It’s a guilder. Say I have a guilder. I flip it in the air. There’s a fift-fifty chance I’ll get yes—I mean, heads. Say I flip it... how long have you been playing with that mirror ball?”
“It’s given me a ‘yes’ sixty-nine times.”
“Say I flip it sixty-nine times—“
Vince giggled.
“What?”
“Sixty-nine.”
“I fail to see what’s so funny.” Howard pulled out his most serious expression, but Vince just giggled harder.
“Come on, Howard, sixty-nine.”
“Is that a joke or something? Is it something from television?”
“You’re such a prude!”
“I am not, and I don’t see—“
“You are, you’re a blushing virgin! C’mon, Howard, what’s it look like?”
“A blushing virgin?”
“The number sixty-nine, you muppet!” Vince laughed.
“It doesn’t look like anything to me. Fish, maybe.”
“Fish?” Vince was still laughing. It was getting on Howard’s nerves.
“Astrologically. Pisces. Fish. Yes, that’s what it looks like.”
“So, not like two people having oral sex at all?”
“No. Why on earth would you even think that? I swear, Vince, you have a dirty mind sometimes. You’re usually so naïve, too. I can’t understand it at all.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
“Look, it doesn’t matter if I flip a coin once, or sixty-nine times, or a hundred times! It’s still always going to be fifty-fifty.”
“Yeah, but there are six possible answers in my magic mirror ball, that’s like, way worse odds! It knows what it’s doing, Howard.”
“The basic principle is the same.” Howard sniffed.
“Sixty-nine.” Vince giggled.
Howard sighed. “How long have we been at this?”
“Dunno. What are we at?” Vince asked, and Howard was about to give him a stern lecture about taking the piss, but he seemed so sincere that it stopped Howard’s anger and his feet dead in their tracks.
“Fossil summoned us to his office.”
“Oh. What for?”
“I don’t know, he didn’t say. Just... we got up this morning, the PA was blaring at us to get to his office pronto. And here we are.”
“Here we are.”
“It’s never taken us this long to get across the zoo before.”
“How long is it taking us?” Vince cocked his head to the side, an inquisitive puppy.
Howard started to answer, readied his more-intellectual-than-thou tone and all, but found he didn’t know. It just seemed to be rather a long time, that was all. How it all compared in actual minutes, that he didn’t know. He couldn’t remember.
“I don’t like this.” He said instead.
Vince shook his magic mirror ball and chuckled. “Genius. Seventy even.”
“I don’t even see why we’re doing this.” Howard heaved a sigh more filled with existential angst than was his usual wont. It was quite impressive, only Vince didn’t seem too impressed.
“Fossil summoned us to his office.” Vince shrugged and kept shaking his magic mirror ball.
“Yeah, I know that, don’t I?” Howard said, and it was only a slight bluff, because he wasn’t sure, really. “Fossil’s always mucking about on that PA system, summoning this and summoning that and preventing hard-working keepers like us from doing something constructive with our time!”
Vince had his head cocked to the side again, but he wasn’t looking at Howard. He didn’t seem to be looking at anything. At least, nothing Howard could see. Of course, Vince was the sort who always saw things other people didn’t...
“What’s out there, little man? Unicorn in the hoofed mammal enclosure?”
“No, just heard something.”
“Heard what?”
Vince screwed his face up. “Music. I mean, if you want to call it that.”
Howard hoped for jazz. Judging by the look of dislike on his friend’s face, there was a fair chance of it. He didn’t know anyone else in the zoo who played jazz, though. Of course it could have been a visitor. The zoo did get visitors. Sometimes.
He just hadn’t seen any for a while. It seemed like he and Vince had gone all day without running into anyone.
Howard could hear it now, too, and it definitely wasn’t jazz. More of a drunken carousing—he couldn’t make out all the words yet, something about being super magic men. As they rounded the corner of the (unicorn-free) hoofed mammal enclosure, he could see the source of the... ‘music’. A group of assorted freaks in outlandish costume.
“Hail, friends, well met!” Their albino leader made a flourish.
“Who are you people?”
“We’re the board of shamen.” He answered imperiously. “We’re the opposite of people.”
“Yeah... Look,” Howard started, but the stranger cut him off.
“Do you need any magic done, perchance?”
“Not at the moment, no—“
“We usually just go to Naboo.” Vince added. “Are you here to see him?”
“We can do you potions, voodoo, chants,”
“No, thank you.” Howard backed up until he hit a bench, yanking Vince back along with him. “We’re not interested.”
“We could do voodoo potions with no chants, if that’s the problem. Or voodoo chants with no potions, if it’s the potion you object to.”
“I object to the voodoo, sir.”
“Ah, well then there’s nothing for it!” He said in theatrical despair. “The voodoo is compulsory. That’s what people want, you know, the shamanistic voodoo. No one hires a shaman to not do the voodoo that he do so well.”
“I’m not looking to hire a shaman.” Howard insisted. “The zoo has one, Naboo, his kiosk is...”
He looked around. He couldn’t see it. He couldn’t remember where it was. Vince, of course, was no help. He and his magic mirror ball were consulting with the more fashion conscious shamen.
“There is... The Ritual.” The head shaman said, perfectly enunciating the capital letters. “Oh, yes. The Ritual. The one to give you everything you ever wanted. If, that is, you want to... participate?”
“Everything I ever wanted? What exactly do I have to do?” Visions of jazz superstardom were dancing in his head now, and other visions he wasn’t really ready to deal with. He meant to imagine Mrs. Gideon, of course, and not Vince, lovingly caressing his trumpet and gazing up adoringly and wearing nothing but one of Howard’s old shirts. Her continental accent praising his maverick skills, not Vince’s rough South London dialect.
And his novel published—finished, then published. Volumes of cream poetry lauded by the literary crowd. He’d discover great things, travel the world, be a hero... be Vince’s hero.
Mrs. Gideon’s hero, he would be Mrs. Gideon’s hero.
“It’s quite simple.” The shaman said. “You need a crème cake stuffed with poppers and then you have to act out cult film classic ‘Re-Animated’,”
“Wait, what?”
“Well, select scenes from ‘Re-Animated’. With Tony Harrison.”
The pink octopus-man-thing winked at Howard, wiggling a tentacle.
“No thank you, sir. I think I’ll achieve my dreams the old-fashioned way, if it’s all the same.”
“I could get anything I ever wanted?” Vince was asking now, his magic mirror ball temporarily forgotten. “Like, rock and roll stardom and a big house and getting to run the zoo on our own and always having a matching hat for every new pair of boots I find?”
“We’ve got to get to Fossil’s office now, Vince.” Howard grabbed his arm and started dragging. He didn’t think Vince had ever seen ‘Re-Animator’.
“All right. Well, we’ll just find Naboo on our own, then!” The head shaman called after them.
“Just as well.” Vince shrugged, as they rounded another corner and the shamen went out of sight. “Didn’t fancy telling him feathered capes were well out.”
Vince held the magic mirror ball aloft, and Howard peered through its little window at the words ‘hell no’.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Naboo, as it turned out, wasn’t in his kiosk, but was taking part in some almost staged-looking procession of keepers surrounding the zoo’s new owner.
“What’s going on?” Vince hissed.
Howard put a hand on his arm in a bid to reassure. “That’s Bainbridge’s brother. He’s running the zoo now. Suppose that’s what Fossil wants to talk to us about.”
“Ah, you must be Vince Noir,” The new Bainbridge greeted, in a large and jovial fashion. Vince struck a pose, then realized that the new Bainbridge was addressing Howard. “And Howard Moon.”
Howard genuflected on reflex when he heard his name, even if the man was looking at Vince now.
“Ah, no, this is Vince,” Mrs. Gideon corrected, reaching out in an aborted move for Vince’s untouchable hair. “And...”
“Howard Moon,” Howard wound up introducing himself.
“Bjorn Bainbridge. New zoo owner.” He now struck a pose of his own, looking very much like his brother, though rather nicer. “You two must be on your way to see Bob Fossil.”
“Yes, sir. I assume he meant to fill us in on the change in ownership.”
“Shame about Dixon. Damn crying shame. Of all things to go peacefully in his sleep, no one expected that! Oh, he’d have hated the thought. Still, the important thing now is keeping it in the family. Running things the way my dear brother would have wanted.”
Howard managed to not say ‘I hope not’, but only just.
“Well, I’ll let you get on to see Fossil, but I must warn you, he’s... gone a bit wrong.”
Perhaps Bainbridge had never told his brother about the zoo’s manager...
“He’s always been a bit off, sir, I’m sure it’s nothing we’re unprepared for.”
“There’s a good lad, Noir—“
“Moon, sir.”
“Very brave, I admire that. But he’s fully crazy. Dixon going must have done his poor little mind in, I suppose... He may say some things to shock you, boys. Some wild stories, some awful lies. The important thing is to just nod and smile, pretend you understand. And I can tell you, fellas, I would be bloody grateful, if a couple of trusted keepers could figure out what’s going on with that man, sort of help me put him on the path to normalcy, good mental health, all that.”
It was a tall order, but Howard just nodded. The new Bainbridge seemed almost... good. Howard wanted to make a favourable impression. And if they could sort out some problem for Fossil, the crazed American titbox might make their lives a bit easier...
“Thanks,” He looked between them, smiling blankly. “Boys.”
Naboo was staring into a teacup, and finally attracted Bjorn Bainbridge’s attentions. “Those men are here to see you.”
“Excellent!” He crowed, leading the procession of keepers off.
“I don’t think I like all this.” Vince shuddered. “Do you think Fossil’s really madder than usual? It’s bad enough walking in on him dancing with no shirt on, what if he’s taken any more off?”
“I’m sure he’s just his normal crazy, Vince. The new Mr. Bainbridge just wasn’t prepared, that’s all.”
“All this is well confusin’, Howard! You know I’m simple, I like shiny things and fashion, not regime changes!”
“It’s hardly a regime change, just his brother.”
“I want to go back to bed. I wish I didn’t get up today.” Vince was pouting now, and disturbingly near tears.
“You can go back to bed after all this is sorted.” Howard promised.
“All what?”
“I don’t know. This.” Howard gestured expansively.
“I’m out of my depth.”
“There, there.” Howard’s arm had found its way around Vince’s shoulders. “We’ll go see Fossil, he’ll be the same as always, and then I’ll hie you home and let you have the morning off, how’s that? You’ll see, it’ll all be fine. Why, I bet the new Bainbridge won’t hardly be a change at all! Not in any way that’s important. After all, we mostly have to deal with Fossil, and we already know he’s crazy. There... you’ll see. Howard TJ Moon will take care of everything.”
~~~tbc~~~
~Glas
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 06:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 06:39 am (UTC)Poor Howard, so in denial...
Working on finishing ch.2 now-- wow, my stuff's gone up really fast today... it makes me feel so prolific even though I did most of the actual writing over the past couple days...
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 06:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 09:47 am (UTC)I don't know why I typed that last sentence in a funny accent, but clearly I must have...
Anyway, thanks much!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 10:23 am (UTC)it`s hilarious))
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 01:36 pm (UTC)Awwww, shux, Vince all overwhelmed!
beautiful
Brie xx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 10:12 pm (UTC)An overwhelmed Vince is such an attractive image to me... he'd be all cute and wibbley and need his Howard. Of course, he'd almost immediately be shrugging it off and acting cool, but still, moments of woobie!Vince are teh cute...
no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 06:53 am (UTC)And then him trying to be all nonchalant afterwards would most beautiful too, as he'd be denying it and Howard would get to be all knowing... and he'd have that smile he does when Vince is being an idiot. You know the one? Where he seems to be saying "you're just too gorgeous when you're being thick"...... Aiieeeeeeeeeee!! *sighs*
xx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 03:17 pm (UTC)“But it always says yes, that’s not probable, it’s magic!”
“No, it isn’t cumulative—“
“Rainclouds?”
“What? No! Probability, it isn’t cumu—it doesn’t add up. Every time you shake it the odds are the same, it doesn’t matter what you got last time.”
“I got ‘yes’. I always get ‘yes’.”
This was a disturbingly true statement in many ways, but Howard didn’t want to go into that now.
+ + + + + +
Oh, yes. Very good!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-09 10:12 pm (UTC)I had far too much fun talking about probability... *is a dork*
no subject
Date: 2009-07-25 09:19 pm (UTC)