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booshslashhavenTitle: Vincent Noir and Howard Moon Are... Exasperated
Pairing or Characters: Howince-ish
Summary: The Zooniverse is under new management, and Vince and Howard find themselves getting exasperated. Featuring wigs, Rituals, and existential angst.
Word Count: 2,368
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: just the usual oddness
Challenge: none
Disclaimer: Oh, how loudly I disclaim! I throw myself, prostrate (not the second 'r'!) at the great and powerful feet of The Mighty Boosh, which is in no way mine!
Author’s Notes: Okay, no worries everyone, I'm back to doing surreal humour. It's okay.
Chapter One: http://community.livejournal.com/booshsl
Chapter Two: http://community.livejournal.com/booshslashhaven/856116.html#cutid1
Bjorn Bainbridge had swept back through, with reduced entourage. Howard was monologuing about the intricacies of death when he came past, grabbing Vince by the elbow.
“How was the imbecile—I mean, Fossil? He didn’t give you any trouble, did he? Any nonsense?”
“Oh, he was fine.” Vince nodded. “Hardly crazy at all, really. For Fossil, I mean. He kept his trousers on.”
Howard snapped out of his reverie and caught up with them, taking Vince’s other elbow in an attempt to disengage him from the zoo’s new owner. “He was a bit... adamant, about some things.”
“Yeah, he wanted us to shovel some dung, but that’s pretty par for the course. Oh, and he’s got a bunch of shamen hanging about the place, probably for some ritual or summat.”
“Yup.” Naboo popped up at Bjorn Bainbridge’s other elbow. “He asked me to tell you he wants to magically improve the zoo, be there or be square.”
“I’ve never been square in my life.” Bjorn laughed, tossing his head and placing a fist on one hip. “If it’s a magical zoo-improvement ritual party he wants, it’s a magical zoo-improvement ritual party he’ll get! After all, what better way to honour my dear, departed brother?”
“Uh, yeah. Don’t think it’s a party so much. Unless Kirk is in charge. I wasn’t really paying that much attention.” Naboo yawned.
Bjorn was off again, Gideon and Joey Moose behind him. Naboo wandered off in another direction.
Vince looked at Howard.
Howard looked at Vince.
“Are you a bit sick of this as well?” Vince crossed his arms and sat down hard on the nearest bench.
“Sick of what?” Howard asked. He’d been preoccupied with his deep philosophical thoughts and suspected he’d missed something. The only thing that had upset him recently was Bjorn Bainbridge taking liberties with Vince’s person, grabbing his arm, talking all friendly. Maybe he wasn’t any better than Dixon had been. Maybe... maybe he was worse.
No, Vince wouldn’t be upset over that. Vince was never upset about people being overly friendly. That was just normal in Vince’s world.
“This, it’s dizzyin’!” He rolled his eyes. “Bainbridges and zookeepers and shamen, all comin’ and goin’ and wantin’ stuff, and you’re just lumbering around bein’ all frowny, and I don’t know what your problem is!”
“Existential angst, I suppose. Is that all?”
Vince just shrugged a little and looked off to the side. “Dunno why. Wish you’d be cheerful a little.”
“I’m never cheerful, little man. That’s your job. Two sides of the same coin, yeah?”
“Well... you could be a tiny, tiny, tiny bit cheerful. I’m sick trying to cheer you up and getting nothing back. We’ve just been wandering around all day like...”
“Like what?”
Vince had stopped, was just standing there, brow furrowed, and it was beginning to worry Howard, just a little. Maybe he was never cheerful, but Vince was, always.
“Like there is no zoo, just... just moments of zoo, corners of pens, the bench across from Bollo’s cage, Fossil’s office, just... snippets of zoo, with nothing in between, and we start walking and find ourselves somewhere else like cutting two things together that don’t go, and...”
“Like nothing exists.” Howard murmured.
“I don’t like thinking about that.” Vince shook himself. “I’m gonna go get a squash.”
Howard was pondering the possibility that nothing existed as Vince headed off, and was still pondering it when Vince ran back to him.
“I saw Fossil.”
“Naked?”
“Fully dressed.”
Howard nodded. “That’s good. Any idea what we’re going to do about him?”
“As long as he’s got trousers on, I don’t see anything has to be done.” Vince blinked.
“No, I mean—this vengeance thing, this terrible plan he’s got to—I don’t even know what! How are we going to stop him? He could be a danger to others! Besides... our new boss did want us to sort him out,”
“Right. Well, I guess we just walk up to him. We say ‘Oi! Fossil! This vengeance thing, knock it off!’ And that’s that.”
“You really think so?”
“The direct approach.” He smiled.
“I’ll leave it to you, then.”
Fossil went past, muttering to himself and tugging at the hem of his shirt. Vince did nothing.
“The direct approach.” Howard said. “I see, it does wonders. I especially like how he swore off his crazy revenge plans. He did that right after you went up and spoke to him in a frank manner. Yes, I was stupid to doubt you.”
“I can’t stand this.”
Howard felt a pang of remorse. Vince sounded fragile, not like himself at all. It was entirely possible he was near tears. Apologize, he had to apologize. He had to make it right, make Vince smile again. Maybe he could find him his squash...
Mrs. Gideon appeared around the corner, her back to them, and Vince shot Howard a mean look before running over to her, every pore oozing flirtation. His own personal revenge scheme. Funny, she’d been following Bjorn Bainbridge around, rather adoringly, and Howard hadn’t cared at all...
“Guess who!” Vince covered her eyes, leaning over her shoulder. Her body collapsed, her head still in his hands.
Howard may have let out a very unmanful shriek.
“This is an outrage!”
Vince dropped Tony Harrison. “What are you doing, you octo-pillock?”
“It’s the only wig I had—you better go find it! If Saboo finds I’m wandering around public not trying to disguise myself, he’ll be havin’ kittens! I looked like a normal human being before you went and ruined me!”
Vince looked down at the dressmakers’ dummy in the zoo jacket. “Right. Normal human being. Honestly, unless you plan on always being to the other side of a hedge like you was just then, I wouldn’t bother, mate. Your disguise hasn’t got feet.”
“Get my wig!”
Vince set Harrison on a nearby bench and got down on his knees, reaching into the nearby shrubbery and feeling around for the wig. It had been an all right disguise from far away, but when Howard came over to join Vince, he couldn’t understand how it had convinced them at all.
“OW!” Vince yanked his hand back and scrambled towards Howard.
“Sorry.” The head shaman appeared. “I seem to have trod on you. Don’t tell me Saboo’s got Harrison in the bloody woman disguise again! Kinky bastards...”
“You love it, you slag! I look hot in that wig!”
The rest of the shamen were entering from all directions, not just the board members they’d run into before, but several they hadn’t seen. Vince, still on the ground, grabbed Howard’s knee and held on.
“Don’t touch me,” Howard hissed.
“Don’t leave me!” Vince hissed back.
“So... what are you fellas doing?” Howard forced an air of casualty he didn’t really feel. The surrounding group of shamen made him nervous, and Vince clinging to his leg was beginning to do funny things to his insides.
“We have a Ritual to prepare for.”
“Full thirty times—“ A golden man began.
“You eejit, that part comes later! Are you all so out of practice? That’s it, I demand drills!”
“Drills? Do shamen do drills?”
“They do when they disappoint me so bitterly!” The head shaman roared.
“Re-Animator?” Tony Harrison asked hopefully.
“Wrong Ritual.”
“Full thirty times—“
“WRONG RITUAL!”
Vince got to his feet, his hands climbing up Howard the whole way, and clinging to each other, they backed away from the strange magical rites taking place in front of the reptile house. They passed Fossil again, still muttering furiously, his shirt half off. Howard decided not to press the direct approach.
“Vincey,” He said vaguely, pausing in his insane ramblings, overlooking Howard completely. “How are you doing? It’s me, Bobby-Bob-Bob. Hey, have you got your end of the revenge plan ready?”
“Mr. Fossil, we haven’t got an end of the revenge plan. I’m not even certain why there’s any call for it, as Dixon Bainbridge died peacefully in his sleep of natural causes.” Howard gripped Vince’s arm and tried to position himself in front.
“Wrong, Moon, you’re so wrong! I know, okay, ‘cause I was there! I was hiding in Dixon’s closet.”
“I don’t need to hear the end of this story.”
“He was poisoned! By Bjorn Bainbridge!”
“The scoundrel!” Howard blazed, feeling entirely righteous in his moment of distrust before. How dare that murderer lay a hand on his Vince, even a friendly one? Especially a friendly one! Oh, evil was ever seductive...
“Wait, I thought Bjorn Bainbridge was his brother.” Vince said.
“They are brothers.” Howard sighed.
“Talk about dysfunctional families.” Vince whistled.
“Okay.” Fossil said. “My mother—“
“Rhetorical statement!” Howard shouted, dragging Vince off before they could hear any more of Fossil’s family woes.
“Do you think Fossil was really hiding in Bainbridge’s closet?” Vince asked.
“I don’t doubt it.”
“Do you think the poisoning’s real as well?”
“I don’t know. Possibly. He did seem...”
“He seemed nice. You said so yourself.”
“I said he seemed nicer than the original Bainbridge. As far as we know it was just a race to see which brother could kill the other first. But the zoo hardly seems worth murdering over...”
“Wouldn’t be the first time. What about Tommy Nooka?”
“That was different!”
Back in the direction they’d come from, there was a ruckus, and Howard pushed down against a swelling feeling in his chest when Vince drew closer to him.
“Sounds like trouble with the ritual.”
“I don’t like this at all.”
“It’ll all be all right.” Howard patted his shoulder awkwardly.
There were shouts coming from the area of the reptile house now, and after a long, tense moment, a harried-looking Bjorn Bainbridge came barreling towards them. This time Howard very firmly placed himself in front of Vince, the terror clenching his heart be damned.
“Oh, good, I’ve found you!”
“You’ve found us, Sir.”
“Fossil’s gone mad, he’s hauled off and belted one of the shamen across the face. The little one... what’s his name?”
“Tony Harrison?” Vince asked.
“Kirk, was it?” Howard offered.
“No, our little one. Naboo.”
“Naboo? Is he all right?”
“He’ll be fine, but now Fossil’s running about like a half-naked lunatic. Look, a friend of mine runs an asylum, we can take care of all of this before the zoo garners any negative publicity, but I’ll need your help.”
“Negative publicity?” Howard could feel a muscle in his jaw clenching and twitching. “Why, is he... saying things?”
“Yes, yes, all sorts of madness. Look, I’ve got to run damage control here—Mrs. Gideon is quite shaken up, it all happened near her snakes, and I’ve got to comfort her and see Naboo’s doing better, plus I’ve got to smooth everything over with the board of shamen before this becomes a real disaster... could you do me a favour?”
“Maybe?” Vince’s chin was on Howard’s shoulder now.
“Excellent!” Bjorn clapped his hands together. “Can you drive?”
“I can...” Howard shifted uncomfortably. Vince was all but plastered to his back, radiating warmth. It should have been supremely horrid, and yet he couldn’t shake him off.
”Excellent. When Fossil comes this way, I need you two to trap him, throw him in that zoo van over there, and drive him to Happy Hills before he hurts himself—or someone else, worse than he’s done your friend Naboo. Here’s the map, and here are the commitment papers. Godspeed!”
“Mr. Bainbridge—“
“Oh, right, how silly of me,” Bjorn laughed. “Of course the zoo will be looking for a new manager, with Fossil thus indisposed. Someone I can trust.”
Manager. Howard TJ Moon, Zooniverse Manager... Or co-manager, with Vince. Running the zoo, that would be a bit of a dream come true for them, wouldn’t it? Howard could set things right, the way they’d been before Dixon Bainbridge. And Vince could spend all day chatting with his animal pals while someone else shoveled dung. They could share Fossil’s old office...
“Yes, Sir.” Howard nodded sharply.
“I’m confused.” Vince still hadn’t moved from his spot against Howard’s shoulder. “Who do we trust?”
Howard sighed. “I don’t, little man. Not anybody but you and me. And Naboo, but look what’s happened to him. And even if the new Bainbridge was dangerous... Fossil being right doesn’t mean Fossil isn’t also dangerous, see?”
“Howard, this map says Happy Hills is really far away.”
“That’s all right. We’ll just have to... tie Fossil up or something.”
Vince gnawed at his lip. “What with?”
Howard contemplated the supplies on hand. No rope. No chains. No restraint cuffs of any sort. No leads. Nothing.
“Right.” He squared his shoulders, determined. A man of action. He undid his belt.
“You got to be kidding me.”
“Come on, Vince. We all have to do our part.”
“That’s easy for you to say!”
“I’ll buy you a new one later!”
“Oh, fine!” Vince sighed dramatically and unbuckled.
They slid their belts off.
Howard pulled his trousers back up.
“Well?”
“Nothing to do now but wait.”
As it turned out, this wasn’t entirely true. Fossil was back almost immediately as he’d said it. “Vincey! Moon!”
“Hey, why’d you hit Naboo?” Vince demanded. “That wasn’t on!”
“It’s a long story. Let’s just say my first plan for revenge isn’t working out. Hey, are you guys taking your pants off? Let me join you!”
“I most certainly am not, and neither is Vin—Oh, you mean trousers. No! We’re not—Mr. Fossil, please don’t remove your—Mr. Fossil—Oh, hell. Get him, Vince!”
Fossil had time to squawk indignantly, and then they were on him, trussing him up and shoving him into the waiting van, ignoring his protests.
“I used to run this zoo! Is this ‘cause I hit Naboo? I didn’t mean to, I thought he was someone else, he surprised me! Fellas? Guys? Vincey? Come on, let me out of here!”
“Just relax, Mr. Fossil, we’ll have you to Happy Hills in no time. You can plot revenge from there.”
“Well, not ‘no time’.” Vince looked up from the map sheepishly.
“What do you mean not ‘no time’?”
“Well, we’re actually taking Fossil to someplace called ‘Heldig Bakker’. It’s in Europe.”
“Balls.”
~~~tbc~~~
~Glas
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 08:30 pm (UTC)I like the sub-plot Howince, really! I'm defs warming up to it! :D
They're going to Europe together? Sounds Kinda romantic...then again they talking Fossil too, so, maybe not...but still... hehe. I'll shut up and let you write shall I?
Brie xx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 10:39 pm (UTC)Oh, yay.
Yes, Fossil will sort of hamper the romance of Europe... but if I know me, there won't be any stopping the slash from happening...
no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 08:51 am (UTC)Bring on the slash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehe, I loves it ever so much, I does.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 09:51 pm (UTC)I'm dying to find out whats gonna happen!
xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 10:41 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 10:49 pm (UTC)I doubt you will!
Err anyway this is your fic i'll just go about my life lol!
xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 06:23 am (UTC)The comedy trouser-drop is always a winner for me. You can't beat a bit of innappropriate slapstick!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 08:04 am (UTC)Pants down=laughs. That's Rule Two. Glad you're enjoying it!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 07:02 am (UTC)“Okay.” Fossil said. “My mother—“
Hahahaha!! So good. And Howard and all his slashy thoughts about Vince, bless him :)
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Date: 2009-06-11 08:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:36 pm (UTC)