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booshslashhavenTherefor unbeta'd, sorry.
Title : This is all your fault. A scene from ‘Howard and Vince’s journey through time and space’
Author : Girl Anachronism
Characters : Vince, Howard – others mentioned
Summary : Howard and Vince find themselves locked up in a dungeon. Now they have to look back on their journey and decide who’s to blame.
Word Count : about 3500
Rating : depends on how dirty your mind is ! Probably PG for references.
A/N : I had some great ideas for a Boosh movie in my head already – to send them on a trip around the world, all kinds of situations they would end up in, … The challenge gave me an excuse to write them down. The whole fic is more like one long dialogue, so you’ll have to use your imagination a lot…
Disclaimer : Don’t own nothing, won’t make money. Too bad. I should. So, Mr Fielding, if you’re reading this : feel free to use my ideas.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
It was mostly the sound that drove Howard crazy. Not so much the gloomy, moist air. Not so much the clammy moss on the stone floor underneath his legs. Not so much the chains chafing his wrists and pulling his arms up to an uncomfortable height.
It was the constant drum of water hitting water; a drop that fell into a puddle; a feeble *splets* that echoed through the whole dungeon like an alpine horn through … well, the
“This is all your fault.”
“Stop it, Vince.”
“Well, it is.”
“We’ve been through this over and over again. I’ve clearly pointed out that you are just as much to blame as me.”
“You’ve pointed out *nothing*.”
“I have.”
“How can any of this possibly be my fault ?”
“Let’s see. Wasn’t it your idea to put the Nabootique online ?”
“What ? That was one of the best ideas I ever had, Howard! Naboo was thrilled and his profits tripled overnight. I’ve always told him, there’s not that much need for shamanistic supplies in the Dalston area as you might think. Going worldwide was nothing else than a logic step.”
“Yes, until one of the packages got lost on their way in the post and half of Romanian civilisation started growing fur.”
“Turns out you can’t trust UPS with the dark arts, how could I know that ?”
“If only you hadn’t suggested that we would take over as delivery boys …”
“I thought it’d make a good way to get some extra money. There’s this killer Kate Moss jacket I’ve been dying to get my hands on. And didn’t we look great in the outfits I made us?”
“*You* looked great. *I* looked like a huge shiny purple zit.”
Vince snickered.
“Are you laughing ?”
“I’m not laughing.”
“You are. You’re laughing at me.”
“I’m not !” Vince’s voice got all high with indignation. “And anyway, all of that would’ve been no problem if it weren’t for your stupid fear of planes.”
“Aviatophobia is not a stupid thing, Vince. It’s a serious disorder that many, many people encounter in their lives worldwide.”
“Oh, shut up. It’s just you being a thickhead. There’s less chance of you dying in a planecrash than in a kitchen accident, don’t you know that?”
“’Course I know that ! That’s why I never do any cooking neither!”
“Listen, if we just had taken the plane, we would’ve gone to New Orleans, dropped off the Keezel Rock, gave our regards to Tiny Robert, asked about his ball cancer, and we still would’ve been back in time for Colobus the Crab. You could even have gone to that jazz club to get your Charlie Davis’ CDs signed.”
“Now, isn’t that typical ? Everything has to be fast for you, doesn’t it ? You’re always rushing here, rushing there. You’re too focused on the arrival, Vince. That’s why you don’t understand the beauty of travelling by boat : you sit back, take the time, enjoy the journey,…”
“ … get hijacked by a bunch of pirates on the middle of the ocean.”
“Honestly, Vince, how odd was the chance of a run-in with the last original pirate ship sailing the
“Apparently, not odd enough.”
“Well, you didn’t seem to mind *that* much.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Howard ? The pirate-look suits me!”
“Did you come up with that, or did your ‘Little Darling Captain’ say so?”
“Okay, now, don’t go there! I only flirted with him to get your ass safe. I had to let him seduce me, or I never could have convinced him not to kill you like rest of the crew.”
“He made me walk the plank !”
“Yeah, but only because you decided to act all jealous suddenly!”
“I wasn’t acting jealous !”
“Oh no ? What was the ‘Get your filthy paws off of my friend’-thing about then ?”
Howard swallowed. “He was getting your silk blouse all dirty.”
“And you knew how sensitive he was about references to his hook, especially after the vermicelli-incident. You’re lucky I stepped in, so he made you walk the plank and didn’t just shoot you right at the spot.”
“Oh, I should be thankful now ?”
“Well, you did get to meet up with your mermaid boyfriend, didn’t you?”
“Thanks, Vince, for reminding me. I had it *almost* erased from my mind.”
“Why don’t you like Old Gregg ? I like him. He’s got, I don’t know, something.”
“Yes, he’s got something; it’s called heavy mental problems. And he’s not my boyfriend!”
“Sorry, sorry, your fiancée.”
“VINCE!”
“Hey, it was *you* wearing that lovely weddingdress when you washed upon the shore.”
“Don’t mock me – you should be grateful. I arrived just in time to save you.”
“I was doing fine.”
“Fine ? You call being traded for slaves to the most dangerous cannibal tribe of the African continent, fine ?”
“I made a good price.”
“You were on the verge of being thrown into a cauldron of boiling water, and you’re proud of how much they paid for you ?”
“Well, if *you* get to be proud of your so-called heroic rescue action – yes!”
“Oh, don’t …”
“Very smart, Howard, trying to change their minds. ‘Look at him, he’s nothing but skin and bones’. ‘Oh, he could only ever do as an appetizer.’ What did you expect ? You might as well have written ‘Main Course’ over your head.”
“I could’ve just let you standing there, Vince, all naked and greased up with sesame oil. Can’t blame me for not trying.”
“Who was it that got us out of that position ?”
“What did you say ?”
“Who was it that kept us from being cooked alive and freed us from the cannibals ?”
“Are you talking about yourself ?”
“I bloody well am !”
“Oh, that’s it ! Like you could somehow predict a surprise gorilla attack!”
“Well, I’ll admit, that was a bit of a stroke of luck, getting caught in the Gorilla Guerilla.”
“And neither could you know that Bollo’s mum would be with them.”
“But it was *me* she recognised, wasn’t it ?”
Howard sniffed. “Okay, she did. And how … Finally those endless horrible Cheekbone-covers of you prove to have some kind of use, even if it were for an infatuated ape plastering her nest with them. Wait ‘till the Shoreditch elite finds out about that…”
“Howard, if you tell them, I swear, I will kill you.”
“Remember when she tried to de-louse you ?”
Vince shuddered in horror. “Grisly, dirty, sweaty fingers plucking away at my hair …”
“… Being smothered by furry, smelly primate breasts,” Howard was keen to fill in.
“Give it a rest, will you ? Or shall I start going on about you and Eleonore ? Which, looking back, wasn’t such a different situation, maybe.”
“I don’t want to hear a single bad word about that fine, noble woman, you hear?”
“That’s not what you were like, when you first saw her. ‘Oh no – it’s that horrid old hag again – kill me, Vince, kill me now!’”
“Her presence did grip me a bit by surprise, at first.”
“How weird was it that she was right there to study the gorillas’ behaviour ?”
“That’s Fate for you, Vince – you always find the One in the place you least expect it …”
“You’re just like that because she liked your awful poem.”
“Oh no, sir, you’re very wrong there. We’re soulmates, Eleonore and me, connected spirits, finding each other in true love …”
“She just wanted you as a bumboy, Howard, and then you completely fell in love with her after she said *one* kind thing to you. It was well scary. You were serenading her with your self-made shoe-flute, for god’s sake. She was totally creeped out!”
“Now *you* were being jealous !”
“No, it was pathetic ! Why did you think she left us in
“I have you know that she was called away to an important meeting for Lonely Widows Against World Hunger.”
“There’s no such thing, Howard. Face it, you were chucked. She even asked her card with her number back.”
“But she said … she’d call me !”
“Sorry to break your heart, mate, but … that’s what they all say.”
“I, I can’t believe it. I refuse to believe it. I must …” Howard shook his head, but couldn’t avoid the painful truth any longer. “Oh Vince, you’re right! You must be right … She left me … And she didn’t tell me, afraid to break my heart … how thoughtful of her …”
“Yeah, that’ll be it.”
Howard was too immersed in his sadness to detect the irony in Vince’s voice. For a moment, there was silence.
“Hey, Howard.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Don’t be like that.”
“I’m grieving !”
“Oh, cheer up, mate. You’ve been through worse things.”
“Worse than being chucked aside by the woman who was the light of my life, the queen of my existence, the empress of my heart ? I feel like I want to die!”
“How about : being stuck in
“And in what way did that painful encounter help us?”
“Well, you know, when you were distracting that green witch-guy, in the alley behind that dingy bar, it was because of that that I could go up and steal his hot-air balloon.”
“Oh, yes, because *that* made the situation a whole lot better!”
“Not that again!” Vince sighed. “I told you over and over, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to throw you overboard. But, hey, *you* were throwing out my hair products.”
“I was trying to lose some weight!”
“You really think my Nice’n Easy Root Touch Up made that much of a difference ?”
“Don’t you see, Vince ? I’m a complete failure ! I can’t even fly a hot-air balloon.”
“Oh, Howard, give yourself a break ! Do you know how hard it is to steer such a thing? *Everybody* would fail at that the first time they flew with it.”
“But would they crash into an Arabian palace?”
“Maybe, yeah.”
“On their way from Africa to
“If they took a detour.”
“I got us further away from home than before!”
“Hey, I’ve always wanted to go to
“Bet you didn’t imagine that trip to include a stay in a heavily-guarded strictly-female harem?”
“You might find this strange to believe, but actually …”
“Oh, to you, it was all great fun, wasn’t it? Prancing about, acting like a fool, drawing all attention to yourself, never mind about the fully-armed giants standing in front of the doors, no sir, not you …”
“You were just worrying too much. We were in disguise, weren’t we ?”
“I wouldn’t call that flimsy veil a proper disguise, Vince.”
“It seemed to fool the Sultan himself, though.”
“Talking about painful encounters …”
“Hey, you can’t blame me for not trying! I was up there, giving it all away, swaying my hips off, like a proper concubine, …”
“Like a proper slapper, maybe.”
“I bellydanced us out of there, Howard.”
“A pathetic show it was! Disgraceful!”
“You’re being jealous again, aren’t you ?”
“Jealous of what ? Of your ability to jiggle ?”
Vince threw his head back, laughing hard. “You wish you could jiggle as good as me.”
“What ? I can jiggle at least twice as good as you.”
“Do you now ?”
“I very much do so, sir. I’ve earned my degree at
“Oh yeah ? I’ve seen you – trying it on.”
“What ? When ?”
“When you were trying to make that dodgy merchant-character give you some food, remember ? Waggling your chest ?”
“If you can do it, I can do it too.”
“It might’ve worked, if you had shaven off your moustache.”
“Hey, I got us that bottle, didn’t I?”
“Very helpful, yes, I’ve always liked bottles for breakfast.”
“No need for sarcasm, Vince. You were ever so happy when that bottle turned out to contain a genie. Three wishes, granted, there you go! That would’ve solved all our problems, normally. If only I hadn’t been travelling with the Queen of Fashionistas here …”
“So I asked for the Kate Moss jacket, big deal! That was the whole point of this journey, wasn’t it ?”
“No Vince, it wasn’t. Good job on wasting a wish.”
“Like your wish was such a big help.”
“I only asked him if he had a biro so I could write a list of my favourite wishes and prioritise. That’s something you’ll never understand, Vince, how schedules can help – planning instead of impulsive action.”
“So you actually *planned* on going to
“Well, no, not really. How could I know he would take that little sigh of mine seriously ?”
“There you go. Three wishes in the bin.”
“I wouldn’t say that much. Now I have a chance to see my precious creation in live action.”
“And what a wonderful world you’ve created, Howard. It’s terrible here! The people are creeps! Everything’s all structured and ordered and it’s driving me crazy!”
“You need structure and order if you want your town to be safe, Vince.”
“Safe ? We weren’t here for five minutes and we were attacked by an army of broken pencils!”
“Who were easily beaten by my emergency eraser.”
“Lucky me, travelling side by side with the Sheriff of Nutter’s Town.”
“I was a hero to these people.”
“See ? Point proven.”
“I’d freed them from this pack of rogue outlaws that terrorised the village for years, Vince. They were just being nice and grateful.”
“Let’s see. How did they show their gratitude ?”
“Oh, just little things. The sharpeners made me statue, I got some papier-mâché flowers, I was nominated Man of The Year, …”
“Uhuh, uhuh. What else ?”
“What do you mean?”
“What about the gift from the Mayor ?”
“Oh … you mean … when he offered me his daughter in marriage ?”
“You call that *offered* ? I’d call that *forced*.”
“Yes, well, he was a little bit demanding, wasn’t he ?”
“So, the evil, insane Mayor of Stationary Village on a power high forcefully demanded you to marry his daughter – and what did you do?”
“ I declined.”
“And you declined. Tell me, why was that again ?”
“I gave my heart to Eleonore, Vince, and Howard Moon is loyal to his beloved. True love will never die, not if I have the chance – I’m telling you, sir.”
“She chucked you, remember ?”
“Oh. Yes. Right.”
“Kind of regretting that decline now ?”
“Well, …”
“She was a rather fit bird, wasn’t she ?”
“I was going to say ‘yes’ – but because I didn’t know I’d be sent to *prison*! I didn’t care for her … shapes.”
“I did! If her dad wanted really to get rid of her and *you* weren’t going to marry, I would have been happy to take her on!”
“How romantically put – especially when you said that out loud in the whole town’s presence. I wonder why she didn’t exactly fall for that.”
“I’m not as posh as you, Howard, you know that. I don’t use words like ‘eternal love’ or ‘celestial soulmates’. I’m more like a ‘love your hair – wanna shag ?’-kind of guy.”
“The Mayor is obviously *not*.”
“I get away with it in Dalston all the time.”
“I keep telling you, little man,
“Yeah, but *prison sentence*? What a world you’ve created, Howard.”
“Yes, yes, so you keep saying.”
“It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it ? Here we are, in your vision of a perfect village, and even there you don’t belong; trapped and caged like an outsider …”
“Rub it in, Vince. Go on.”
“I’m just saying.”
“It wasn’t meant to be this way, you know. It’s all gone out of my control. Evil Mayors, eerie courthouses, scissor guards – I’ve never installed that Stapler judge either, I’ll tell you that much.”
“Now there’s a creepy character, with those big teeth and everything.”
“I know, I know …” Howard shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Vince. I thought this place would be like an oasis of peace and quiet; I envisioned it as a sort of private paradise – not the hellhole it turned out to be. I guess I can’t even manage that. I’m a total failure and I’ve let you down. I have *no* clue how to get out of here.”
“Yeah, we really hit rock bottom now, didn’t we.”
“Yeah.”
They both sighed and fell silent again.
“Vince?”
“Yeah ?”
“What was that last thing you said ?”
“Erm …”
“Rock bottom. We’ve hit rock bottom.”
“Yes, that was it.”
“That’s the solution !”
“What ?”
“Oh, Vince ! I know how to get us out of here ! The rock !”
“What are you talking about ?”
“Think about it, Vince : rock, paper, scissors – rock beats scissors !”
“I’m not quite following you …”
“We’ve got a rock, haven’t we ? The Keezle Rock ? That thing that set us on this journey in the first place ?”
“You still have that ?”
“It’s right here in my pocket – see those multifunctional swimming trunks would come in handy one day ?”
“You’ve been travelling around the world with that same pair of pants on for the whole time?”
“Don’t you see, Vince ? If only I could reach over there and take it out, we can escape this place – we can beat the scissor guards and get out of the prison. If we run hard enough, we must come to the end of the desk at one point, and we can try to get Naboo’s attention.”
“You’re right, Howard !”
“I just … argh … these awful chains …”
“Maybe I can try …”
“They’re too short, I can’t make it …”
“Get your ass up here, Howard.”
“You mean … like this ?”
“No … turn around … hey, watch my face !”
“Can you get in there, Vince ?”
“Ouch, Howard, you *really* should’ve changed your trunks – the smell is killing me!”
“Shut up and get the rock.”
“Okay, okay … let me just … if I move this over there …”
“Heehee – that tickles!”
“Don’t fall over, I’ll have to start again. Now where did you keep it ?”
“Not *there*, Vince.”
“Hm ?”
“That’s not the rock you’re touching there.”
“No? I can’t see a thing. Feels hard, though.”
“Well …”
“And it’s kind of big … you sure that’s not it ?”
“Pretty sure, yes.”
“I’ll just move my hands to this side …”
“Ohhh …”
“What ?”
“Erm … feel there again ?”
“You said that wasn’t the rock ?”
“Maybe – mistake – I’m not sure, just try and feel there some more.”
“Where ? Here ?”
“Yeah …maybe … a little to the left …”
“Right here ?”
“Oh yes – right there. That’s it.”
“I don’t know, Howard …”
“Oh, you’re just right, Vince.”
“It kind of feels different than before – does that rock grow bigger when you touched it ?”
“Yes. Yes. It does.”
“Naboo didn’t say anything about that.”
“Just … don’t stop rubbing. Keep going.”
“Erm, Howard ?”
“Keep going …”
“Howard.”
“Vince ?”
“That’s not the rock.”
“Yes it is.”
“It is most definitely *not* the rock.”
“ …”
“That’s your cock, isn’t it ?”
“Oh, Vince, don’t …”
“Howard !!”
“I’m sorry … it just felt …I kind of got …”
“If you wanted a handjob, why didn’t you just ask ?”
“What ?”
“Come on, turn around again.”
“Vince, are you … ?”
“Seeing as I was already halfway, might as well finish right now ?”
“I don’t know about …”
“Now don’t go all prissy on me – it was you who started this, remember ?”
“ What ? I wasn’t !”
“Oh my God ! Who was begging me to touch him a minute ago ?”
“I wouldn’t have gotten a hard-on if you hadn’t been rubbing me so … so … suggestively.”
“So, you’re blaming me now ?”
“Well, it is your fault.”
“My fault that you’re a frustrated, sexually confused pervert ?”
“I’m not a pervert !”
“Howard, Howard … This is all your fault.”
“What did you say ?”
“This is *all* your fault.”
“Stop it, Vince.”
“Well, it is.”
“We’ve been through this over and over again. I’ve clearly pointed out that you are just as much to blame as me.”
“You’ve pointed out *nothing*.”
“I have.”
“How can any of this possibly be my fault ?”
“Let’s see. Wasn’t it your idea to put the Nabootique online ?”
…
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 01:09 pm (UTC)This is fantastic! I got as far as “Turns out you can’t trust UPS with the dark arts, how could I know that ?” and burst out laughing (and not just because I received a package from UPS at work about 20 minutes ago)! I adore the banter, its so typically Howard and Vince! And I love how it goes full circle, just rounds it all off perfectly.
DEFINITELY memed! Cannot express how much I love this!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 01:12 pm (UTC)I loved how it repeated itself at the end, it was wonderful!
One of the best fics I've read, for sure.
Well done!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 04:21 pm (UTC)I'm really glad you're liking it, because I wasn't sure if I hadn't made the storyline too complicated or too long to follow in this dialogue-form. I like writing dialogue best, I'm not good at descriptions at all, so I enjoyed making this, but you can never know how other people find reading it.
Relief and gratitude !
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 09:24 am (UTC)It is in my head.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 09:37 pm (UTC)Memed it :D
x.X.x
no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 10:18 am (UTC)Its just so Boosh.
Truly this scene needs to be made. (And they should be chained up naked. Or at least topless. For the whole scene.)
memm
no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 11:47 am (UTC)Love how it starts again at the end.
Really, really good :D
no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-01 06:09 am (UTC)And I adore dialogue-only; it's wonderful when it's done right, cos you really have to be spot-on with it. And this is totally spot-on. Like, millions of spots... on.
You're awesome.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-02 04:56 am (UTC)“Yes it is.”
“It is most definitely *not* the rock.”
Hahaha! Great dialogue - I really enjoyed this. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-02 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-28 09:03 pm (UTC)"I’ve earned my degree at Jiggle Academy. They call me Master in the Jiggling Arts.”
Whee!